One of the most common questions I am asked after I tell someone I’m queer is “How’d you know?” Most of the time these people are just innocently curious and I have no problem answering this question. Most of the time I just answer: “I knew I liked girls.” However, this wasn’t the case for a few years actually. For a while, I didn’t allow myself to think I was queer. However because National Coming Out Day is upon us, I’d like to reflect on how I came to term with the fact that I am queer.
And before I embark on the reflection of my sexuality. I first want to clarify. While I am using the word “queer” I identify as homosexual/biromantic. This means that while I am romantically attracted to both girls and boys, I am only sexaully attacted to girls. And yes, I would happily date someone who is genderqueer (meaning not cisgender).
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When I was eleven years old, way before I started to date, I remembered my friends and other girls around me were talking about who they liked, what guys they were interested in and I couldn’t relate to them. I had no interest in any of the boys around me. When all my friends were having stumbling attempts at romance, I was off on the sidelines. I wasn't near any of the guys and I certainly wasn't trying to get with one.
Then at twelve, I had this thought in my mind one night. I was tossing and turning around the idea of why I didn’t like any guys when suddenly it occurred to me: “What if I like girls?”
Oh no, this was not allowed in my mind.
It was when I had this thought began to throw myself at boys. I began to date anyone who had a slight interest in me and was going through “boyfriends” so fast I can’t even remember some of their names. This was just me trying to prove to myself and everyone around me that I straight as a pole. Nothing to see here, just your average straight girl.
The thing with me realizing I might like girls is I suddenly thought everyone around me knew my dirty little secret. Like I was made out of clear plastic instead of skin. And every time someone even glanced at me I had one thought in my mind: “They know.”
The first kiss I had with a boy was when I was 13. It was messy and gross and I hated it.
The first kiss I had with a girl was when I was 14. He (then she) tasted like bubblegum and it was magical.
Even though I was openly dating him, I didn’t come out. I didn’t post cute pictures on Facebook and nobody at my school knew because he and I didn’t go to the same school.
And I didn’t have a prayer about how I was to tell my parents.
The relationship between him and I didn’t last and soon I moved on to a another girl, however she and I didn’t last as she was unsure of her sexuality.
At 15, I made the bold decision to come out to my parents and my sister. They were all supportive and said they didn’t care who I dated.
Except there was one problem: I came out as bisexual. The wrong identity.
However I am thankful to have a supportive family who when I said “I am more attracted to girls than boys” responded with “Okay, whatever.”
The hardest people I had to come out to were my instructors at karate. The people who had known me as a “boy crazy” preteen.
I had no intention of telling them, I was terrified of their reaction. Even though they were accepting of my gay friend Scott, I was afraid that they wouldn’t take me as seriously because of how boy crazy I was in the past.
I was staying after class on a Saturday to talk to my Renchi who was cleaning. She asked me if I was looking at any boyfriends. It was then when I had to tell her. I couldn’t lie to her.
“Actually” I began, “I’m not dating any men. I like girls.”
“So you’re a lesbian?” She asked.
“No, I identify as homosexual/biromantic. I use the term ‘queer’ to describe myself.”
Thankfully, she was also accepting and actually told my other instructors, who were also very accepting.
The road to finding my identity was long and it took a lot of questioning myself and countless nights of Googling what this identity ment and that identity ment and I still don’t know if I completely figured out what I am. But I do know that people around me accept me and treat me like a human being and I am grateful.
