This article is coming from a novice writer and novice public speaker who has just presented his second informative speech to a large group of people. Due to these two factors, I apologize ahead of time for the mindless spread of thoughts and words that you may choose (or hopefully choose not!) to read. In the end, there may be no coherency in this article, therefore, be forewarned.

To begin, there are a large variety of variables that go into the time leading up to the presentation of a speech and the actual presentation. Though there are an infinite amount of variables, I'll highlight the important ones that relate to me because I'm the one that started this non-helpful, emotionally filled, facetious piece that is suppose to be some sort of article but is really a rant.

1st Variable: Attire - The choice of attire that one decides to wear on the day of their speech. If you're like me and have an abounding collection of sweat follicles that choose to respond to your anxiety surrounding the speech by creating some sort of sweaty cataclysm, then you may want to choose carefully what shirt you'll sacrifice for the day. From experience, I recommend a white T-shirt but then some sort of navy outerwear to go with it. This setup evokes a spry aesthetic that will have your audience strategically distracted from whatever half-prepared orations you have planned (no offense to my fully prepared orators out there).

2nd Variable: Meal Before Presentation - It is a proven fact that coffee or any form of caffeine causes a speaker to feel more anxious when presenting a speech. What the researchers who made this correlation between coffee and anxiety did NOT mention is the agonizing frequency of bathroom visits that will follow before, during, and after your speech. I noticed in my case, as a was giving my half witted speech, that I started reciting the dance combinations I had gone over in Beginning Modern Dance the day before DURING the speech presentation. Now despite the unsatisfying notion that I recalled the combinations the day after I was suppose to perform them to my professor and despite how amused your college aged audience may be when you perform rapid "demi plies", that my friends is not the goal of the speech. Regrettably, one does not receive credit for an informative speech when they are dancing their best dance combinations from beginning modern dance in the process. Therefore, in my utmost professional opinion, I suggest avoiding digesting coffee before your public speech unless you would like to be the next backup performer for an up and coming swashbuckling, bombastic, rococo exploit where the long term goal is to be a slaphappy, caffeinated performer, like myself.

3rd and Final Variable because I know these are not in any way enjoyable: Facial/Body Expressions DURING and AFTER the Speech- As it may seem, the facial expressions one makes during their speech is indispensable when trying to get your audience motivated. In a speech where the topic is a genuine passion of the speaker's and the facial/body expression are executed in a prompt way with swift hand gestures, one can really spark the audience...or...almost knock out a member of an audience because you chose to engage to perform a spry motion of climatic emotion similar to the likes of Rick Sanchez's "It Hurts" motions on the 3/22/2005 episode of Jon Stewart. In my professional opinion audience members who are still reading these scrappy gestures of humor, that is something one should avoid unless your goal is to happily throw your credibility away (as well as your 3 hour COM credit) and receive a just, well-meaning restraining order. The reason why I mention body/facial expressions AFTER the speech as well is because contrary to my thought process, the audience is still watching you after you finish your speech. Therefore performing lackadaisical, outlandish groans along with attempting to dry the flood plains that now exist under one's pits due to the Nile floods that just manifested themselves on your shirt...and at this point...your outerwear covering the pits does NOT help your audience feel your emotion. Personally, I like to think of myself as a pretty upbeat guy that every once in a while spark the emotions of my endearing audience, however, any effort to do that for an audience after you, by accident, almost knock out an audience member, recite a dance combination, or soak up your nice clean white shirt because the weather decided to make today out of all days a slightly more "humid" day which actually infers a shift from comfortable weather to mid June temperatures in Houston Texas coincidentally right when you present, can hurt your credibility. Hopefully in my case, however, only slightly :)

Fortunately, at the end of the day, despite all these slightly embellished hindrances to my speech, I've realized that I enjoy public speaking. I enjoy the discomfort public speaking puts me in, and I hope that I'll have more opportunities in the future. Thanks for your time and thank you for reading!

P.S. In the end my fellow intellectuals and professional orators, beware of these variables associated with public speaking and have a nice (mild temperature) day!