I didn't realize it then, but I would have caused a lot of heartbreak if I weren't around anymore. I'm amazing at convincing myself that everyone hates me, even when I have no proof. I didn't realize it, but soon I was going to find a family in others that I had never felt even with my own family. And more than that, I finally found a family in my blood family. Not immediately, but eventually. They have always loved me, but I never felt it like I should have until years later. What I mean to say is, I'm glad I didn't kill myself when I was thirteen, fourteen, sixteen, nineteen, or twenty. There have been a lot of close calls, but I can confidently say that I have made it. I am nowhere near where I desire to be, but if I die now, I'll never find out if I get there. There's a lot that I believe pushed me back then. While I was suspicious of not being very loved, I didn't want to shock anyone with me dying. I didn't want to be thought of as "the girl who killed herself" or gain attention by being someone who was mentally ill and had people walking on eggshells around her for the rest of her life. Even then, my pride was too big for that.

It isn't that I felt I was mistreated by people, I just felt like I was mistreated by life. I felt betrayed by the world I was living in. I didn't feel like I had found my place in the world. I didn't feel think I ever would. I still haven't. Nothing was falling into place and at the same time, more and more parts of my life were crumbling. It sounds like a lot for someone who was 13, and it was. I wasn't mentally or emotionally mature enough to handle all of that. The problem was, I didn't know how (and didn't want to know how) to reach out and ask for help. I had an entire youth group and family and friends I could have turned to at any moment and begged for help from and I still did not feel welcome. I didn't feel like it would matter if they heard me or not. It wouldn't have mattered because praying and love wasn't a cure. As much as I tried to put all the trust I could muster into God, I just couldn't force myself to do it. And when I finally did find the courage to trust God? It was a world of difference. Not because of the praying and not because I read the Bible more. It was because I knew where to put my life. I knew that there was a God out there who was constantly fighting for me, no matter how deep of a hole I was in.

I bet you wonder what pulled me out of the dark. What was it that made me decide not to take my own life? When I sat in my room after school one day, completely void of emotion, what was it that convinced me not to go through with it? To be honest, I don't remember. I wasn't interrupted or scared. I was fully ready and fully capable of doing it. I don't have a very clear memory of that day. I just remember I didn't go through with it. It was a halt. It was like I just distracted myself and eventually I decided I could live another day. I had to stop myself multiple more times over the years. Sometime probably within the weeks after that, I decided to live with the pain. In the back of my head, I think I always knew what a huge mistake killing myself would be. That idea hasn't stopped the depression or anxiety or fear to live life. I've heard a lot of people before say that living was a lot worse than dying, and I deeply sympathize with that. On the outside, I seem very blessed. And I am. I have a very loving family, friends who will always be there, and a God who will never give up on me. But I don't feel like my emotions and my mental wellbeing is a blessing. It's hard to look inside my brain. It really is a sad, kind of weird, curious place.

I'll be real with you, this article is sort of a facade. Even if I don't come right out and say it, being alive isn't all it's cut up to be. It isn't that I'm wanting to put myself on the brink of death constantly, but life doesn't always feel like it has a purpose. I don't feel like I have a purpose. For myself, at least. It's a lot easier for me to live for others. It is so much easier for me to get up and comfort somebody else than to ask for someone to comfort me. I will make myself look like a fool in front of my friends if it makes their day better, but you will not be catching me cheering myself up in the mirror. I live for my little sisters, who I know would miss me. For my pets who wouldn't know where I went. For my parents who would wonder if they didn't do something right. I do it because I know that God has a plan and even if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just haven't traveled far enough in yet. This article isn't supposed to be upsetting, but it is a real look inside the life of someone who has been through what feels like it all and sort of blindly found their way out of it. To everyone reading this, wondering if they should reach out to me or walk on eggshells around me or cry for me, just know that if I feel like I'm holding on by a string, you'll still see me living for everyone else in my life. There will always be something for me that is worth living for.