Gorillas have, for better or worse, appeared in the news very often over the past few weeks. Many on social media have lamented the fact that gorillas these days are being "killed for no reason," an issue that is worsened still by the fact that gorillas are an endangered species. Certainly these are both valid concerns.
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So, to all of my friends out there who are worried about pointless death and extinction within the gorilla population, I offer a modest proposal. Should my solution be enacted by the powers that be, I believe that we will see our gorilla populations soar within the next three to five years. In addition, this proposal will enable gorillas to participate in the world economy in a meaningful way and ensure that no gorilla will ever again die for a reason so frivolous as saving the life of a child. It is with these goals in mind that I have arrived at my proposal.
For your consideration, I propose that each of us adds a few healthy servings of gorilla to our diet. I also add that we should seek to adopt this practice as soon as possible. Every one of us can make a difference in this matter by demanding that our local restaurants, delis and grocery stores make an effort to supply gorilla meat. If enough of us demand it, there is little doubt that an industry will soon emerge to satisfy our appetites. It is no coincidence that none of the other animals which we harvest for meat, such as cows, chickens and pigs, are anywhere near the point of extinction.
Many other animals, such as these cows, are already benefitting from the effects of mass consumption.
Gorilla may be sold in various forms depending on the buyer's convenience; steaks and ground patties will certainly be popular, just as they are already with cow meat. But I believe that there may also be a lucrative market for whole body parts, such as the arms and legs, which contain high quantities of delicious muscle. In the near future, I hope to be able to purchase gorilla at any supermarket across the country.
Although I suggest this proposal entirely out of concern for the survival of the gorilla as a species, I must admit that I am also quite fond of the animal's taste. I have prepared gorilla for my friends at several banquets and parties, and I assure you that the meal was applauded by each and every guest. I have found that gorilla is best cooked broiled with a salt-and-pepper rub, and served with a side of asparagus and a glass of Merlot. However, gorilla is also excellent grilled, baked, pan-seared or roasted. A most versatile dish indeed!
Simply mouthwatering.
I simply urge you to try gorilla meat, both for its robust flavor and for the various benefits that doing so will have for the species. Until we can enact this type of change, we will continue to see incidents like the one at the Cincinnati zoo, in which an innocent gorilla was murdered solely because a child might have otherwise died. This is simply no reason to take the life of such an advanced and sophisticated creature.
Thankfully, we can rest assured that the child, the mother who threw the child into the gorilla exhibit, and the entire Cincinnati Zoo staff will all be burned at the stake for their crimes.
