The blade felt cool in my hand. It was weight waiting to be released. All I had to do was slide it across my wrist. My blood was filled with toxic poison that needed to be let free. The wind whipped through my hair, the cool sand slipped through my toes. The waves made angelic sounds as it rippled through the night sky. I didn’t feel the rain as it pounded my body. I was numb to it all. Tears streamed down my face as I continued to make my way towards the ocean. From a distance I could hear people celebrating. “Libertad! Libertad!” Chants of freedom could be heard. I can’t help the smile that forms on my lips, the irony of the situation is comical. Here I am crying because I want to be freed, I want to go home. It’s May 20th, 2015. Independence Day for Cuba, they were freed from the reigns of the United States. At this moment in time, I would love to be in the hands of the United States.

I wish I had the courage to go to the embassy, they could get me home. To be back in the arms of my family, puts more tears in my eyes.

“Akemi, come inside mi amor. Hace frío, cogerás un resfriado.” His voice made my skin crawl. His arms wrapped around my waist, his lips grazed the back of my neck.

“I want to go home Xavier. Please let me go home.” My voice was no more than a whisper. I’m mentally and physically tired. I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with this fight.

“Akemi we’ve been over this, you are home. We’re a family now. You of all people should know that I take care of my family.” He wraps his hands around my plump and swollen belly. He kisses my bare shoulder blades, sending shivers down my spine. “You should put that knife away, I would hate to see you get hurt.”

Angrily I remove his hands, “We are not family, you took me from my family. I rather kill myself then bring a child into this world with you!” Hot tears cloud my vision, but I can see the look of irritation on Xavier’s face.

“Then kill yourself Akemi, do you honestly think I give a damn? I can have another you in a matter of days.” He grabs my face and pulls me to him. “You are nothing without me, tú entiendes? I’m becoming sick of your ungrateful ass. I don’t care if you’re pregnant, I will beat you until you’re black and blue. You are mine, Akemi.” Staring into my eyes, I see nothing but the devil. He pulls me into him and shoves his tongue down my throat.

Truly disgusted, I bite him, hard. He yells and slaps me to the ground, “Bitch!” He raises his hand again and I reflexively, swing my hand. The one with the knife. “Ahh, shit!” He exclaims, my eyes are closed but I can feel his presence. “You want to play Akemi, fine let’s play.” He takes the knife out of my hand and punches me in the face. My hands fly to my nose as I feel the blood flowing through my fingers. He pulls me up by hair and backhands me. Before I can fall to the ground, he holds me up and chokes me. “How many times do we have to go through this, huh?” Throwing me to the ground and kicking me in the back.

“Stop! I’m sorry Xavier, please stop.” Moving into the fetal position I try to protect my stomach. He kicks me again in the side. He was trying to kill me, and I wanted to let him kill me. I was tired of this fight, the abuse, the sex. I wanted to check out. I felt his kicks turn into slaps. “The baby, Xavier, think about the baby.” I manage to get out.

He stops and looks down at me, he was a different person. He looked remorseful, he picks me up. A jolt of pain enters my body and I break down. “I can’t keep living like this Xavier.”

“Shh, lo siento mi amor. I didn’t mean it. I would never hurt you intentionally.” A boldface lie he’s said many times before. Carrying me like a new bride, we go inside the beach house. It’s a beautiful house with marble pillars and glass stained doors. Rosita, the nanny sees us and immediately sheds a tear.

“Xavier, ¿qué has hecho?” She shakes her head in anger, “Why must you harm that girl? ¿No es ella la madre de tu hijo?” She speaks her piece, but we both know her words mean nothing to Xavier. Whether I’m his hoe or the mother to his child, neither matter.

“Not now mami.” Completely oblivious to her tone and look of disappointment, Xavier continues to walk to the back of the house. Entering the master-bedroom, and going down the hall to the bathroom. The tub is already filled to the brim with water and soap. Candles are placed all over. Someone is singing about love through the speakers. “I’m going to take care of you.”

Slowly he undresses me, my black Kimono dress slides off of my body and to the floor. He removes my panties and helps me inside the tub. The hot water feels heavenly against my aching body. Slowly I sit down and allow the candles and aromas to soothe me. He begins to wash my body with the loofa. Closing my eyes, I try to imagine my old life. Back when I was with my family. When I was happy.

So far gone in my thoughts I didn’t see Xavier remove his clothes and join me in the tub. “I love you, Akemi. I wish you could see that.” He whispers into my ear. His hands wrap around my stomach, “You’re carrying my seed, I will forever be grateful to you.” Kissing my neck.

I can’t help but roll my eyes, “I thought you said you could care less about me being pregnant. I thought I was replaceable.” I hate how he made me feel. Like a piece of his property, nothing more than his chew toy. His hand travels down my thigh and stops in between them. He flickers his fingers against me. Reflexively I shut my legs, this only causes him to laugh.

“You know I love when you make me work for it.” He bites down on my neck and I fight the urge to tilt my head. “I love how you challenge me, Akemi. You’re different and special. You keep me on my toes. I love that about you.” Mumbling in my neck as he continued to suck and kiss on it.

“Is that the excuse you tell yourself when you’re beating on me?” I lack all emotion, I’m dead inside and he’s the reason why. Instead of answering me, he expertly spins me around so that I am facing him, straddling him. He spreads my legs apart and slides into me. Gasping, I forgot how well endowed he is.

“I’ve missed you.” He moans into my ear, stroking and kissing. It was a rush of emotions that I couldn’t handle. He made my body feel so good, but I hated him. I wished him dead every chance I got. I hated him for ruining my life, for taking me away from my family and for being the father to my child. I hated him for beating me, for telling me he loves me. I hated him for making me sleep with random men. I hated him for making me feel love and fear.

As the water splashes over the rim of the tub, together we come. He picks me up and slams me against the wall. Holding onto him, I allow him to have his way with my body. He whispers broken promises into my ears, he kisses my busted lip and continues to abuse me the best way he knows how.

Tears escape from my eyes as I orgasm. How did my life become a twisted beautiful nightmare?