Siblings that are separated by a large age gap tend to foster a really unique relationship. I have three younger brothers, but the one who is eight years younger than I is my buddy. We’re incredibly close and share an outrageously silly bond that neither of my stoic teenage brothers would dare pursue.

I think relationships like this start the moment the youngest is born. As my baby brother went through diapers, the terrible twos, and pure toddler madness, I was going through my pre-pre-teen phase of finding independence and learning responsibility. And one of the many responsibilities I held was taking care of him when my mother couldn’t. I held him when he cried, distracted him with my favorite toys, and taught him all the tricks I had up my sleeve. I showed him the world that I felt I had already conquered.

Because of how much we grew together, our bond has become really strong. We’ve developed a secret language, created new names for our parents, and carved inside jokes into our family. So when the time came for me to go off to college, my youngest brother was obviously not an easy person to leave.

Right now, he’s only eleven, about the same age I was when I was trotting around the house with a toddler version of him on my back. He’s at a point in his life where rapid change is happening to him and his friends at school, but I’m missing out on it because of college.

You spend a lot of time wondering about your kid sibling while away from home. How much have they grown…do they look older? Do they have the same friends? What’re they learning in school now? Sure, you keep up on the need-to-knows through FaceTime, but it’s not the same as seeing their growth in real life.

The biggest shock is when you go back home for the holidays. That’s when you realize that your little baby has grown two inches. And when you start talking and catching up, you start wondering who’s so-and-so and excuse me where did you learn that phrase? It’s like time zoomed by and they grew up a lot while you were only away for four months. However, you fall into the same old routine when you’re home, and it’s as if you two were never separated.

It’s fun having a little ball of energy around at all times. Their innocence and naivety helps you see a less complicated world—so it’s easy to fall into a sillier personality around them. Back at college, it’s sometimes more difficult to act goofy like this, to let your guard down and feel completely free of judgment.

A lot of people won't understand this. And you'll try to show your friends how cute your relationship is with your younger sibling through adorable photos, but all they'll see is a pair of squeezable cheeks.

Even though I'll be away at college for the majority of the next four years, I know that some things will never change. We'll still fight, have the same jokes, and cause pure chaos together.