I remember that day in Bowling Green, Kentucky. Yet it seems that the whole country doesn't. It seems that everyone forgot except for you, Kellyanne Conway.
I was there, ladies and gentlemen. I was at Bowling Green on that fateful day. It was such a beautiful day, I remember. I was window-shopping with my friends Jimmy Hoffa (I couldn't believe I ran into that guy and that, even after 40 years, he looked great), Zombie Elvis Presley, the real Princess Anastasia Romanov who totally escaped getting killed in Russia in 1919, AND the Loch Ness Monster. It was a day just like any other. I would have never expected that it would be cut short the way it was.
Nessie (pictured below, and God rest his soul) had just turned around to ask me for tree-fiddy to buy the Holy Grail at a little curio shop we passed. That was the last thing he ever said to me. That's when it happened.
The nothing happened. I never thought nothing would happen to me. No, not to me, not to my friends. But here was nothing right in front of us. Nothing cut Nessie down in cold blood. Anastasia was so terrified that she immediately ran off and fled back to Russia to chill with her family and the Bolsheviks. really hope she's okay and didn't get gunned down with the whole royal family or have a cartoon feature film made of her or something.
Zombie Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa and I all tried to find cover in order to escape all of the nothing that was going on out in the street. We ran through an alleyway and made our way down a flight of stairs into a basement. Fortunately, we found some people who were willing to help us.
Neil Armstrong and a camera crew were down there filming some kind of sequel to "Interstellar". After we told them about the nothing outside, we all got the hell out as quickly as we could. On our way out of the building, I managed to grab Manti Te'o's girlfriend, who was just about to perish at the hands of the nothing.
I met up with some fellow members of the Flat Earth Society on the other side of town. They sheltered us, gave us food and a place to sleep, and taught us about the Noodly Word of Our Lord and Savior the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
We managed to escape nothing that awful day...but there were many who did not. To help raise awareness of the Bowling Green Massacre and support my fellow survivors, click here and give a small donation if you are able. Though so many have forgotten what we went through at Bowling Green, I feel vindicated today because of Kellyanne Conway.
Thank you, Kellyanne. On behalf of myself, the newly found Jimmy Hoffa, Zombie Elvis, Nessie, the escaped Anastasia Romanov, Sasquatch, El Chupacabra, and His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster, thank you for telling America that #alternativefacts like us are important too.
