I was in a unhealthy, controlling, emotionally, and sexually abusive relationship when I was in High School. He was so manipulative. He would call me fat, or say I wasn't skinny enough or comments about what I was eating. Let me tell you looking back at the pictures of that time frame sickens me. I was beyond skinny, I actually looked sickly. I ended up hardly eating anything, food made me nauseated. This relationship that lasted a couple months before school started till a month into the next school year, completely wrecked me. After he finally was "done" with me and moved onto what I assume was his next fling, my life was turned upside down, for about a year.
No one in my family liked him, none of my friends liked him. I actually lost people in my life because of him, I guess they just couldn't see me go through this anymore. He would control who I talked to. He would pressure me into things I didn't want to do. He would put me down, and say nasty things of me to his friends, and in front of my face. He would take pictures of me and send them to his friends. He would make me do things, and then talk about them with his friends. None of that was consent, I didn't want to do any of it. But it was my reality. For that time frame, it was what I had to deal with.
This point in my life was the lowest I've ever been. Though I hid this information, as much as I could, from my parents, and my friends at the time. But if you payed attention during that time, you would have noticed that I went from barely functioning as it is, to just zonked out on depression medication. I gained a whole bunch of weight, I found comfort in food. I barely left my couch let alone hung out with any friends that were left. I withdrew from what I used to love at that time. I kept to myself. But at the same time I was free from this horrible man, I didn't have to listen to his emotional outbursts, harsh words, and pressuring sexual favors. But I was still stuck in that place. At a place that I was barely surviving. I just wanted to take depression medicine to make all the pain go away, but it didn't take any of it away.
I was recently at a Keith Urban concert, which was wonderful, and he played a throwback song titled "Stupid Boy". I cried during this concert, at this point. The friends that surrounded me, didn't understand, and asked if I was okay. This song was so healing to hear. It took complete control over all of my emotions.
"Well she was precious, like a flower. She grew wild, wild but innocent. A perfect prayer in a desperate hour, She was everything beautiful and different" How these lyrics relate to me, is before, before he took away my teenage innocence. Before he crushed me. Before he hurt me.
"She laid her heart and soul right in your hands. And you stole her every dream, and you crushed her plans. She never even knew she had a choice. And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't. Stupid boy. Stupid boy" When I love someone its fully, without hesitation, both feet first. I loved him, and trusted him. But he took advantage of that. This went on to how at the time I didn't think I had a choice, but to stay and endure what I did. I felt that I wasn't worth anything. I wasn't meant to be here, or deserve anything out of life. I thought that this is just what I was supposed to deal with.
"So, what made you think you could take a life. And just push it, push it around. I guess to build yourself up so high. You had to take her and break her down". Yes he broke me down. He hurt me to the point I thought there was no return. He broke me down to where there was no joy in my eyes anymore. But I am standing strong, I am working toward my dreams. He can't take anymore of my life. It has been 6 years since you did this to me. 6 years since I last heard your remarks. 6 years since I had to deal with how you treated me. 6 years since the last phone call and text message that was sent.
Time heals. I am still healing from what you did to me. I am still working on fully opening myself to most people around me. But I am stronger than ever. I am proud of what I become. "You stupid boy. Oh, I'm the same old, same old stupid boy. It took a while for her to figure out she could run. But when she did, she was long gone, long gone" I took what was left of my life, and ran away with it. I left you in the dust. I don't care what you are doing now. I am more than surviving, I am living. I will continue to live, with people that love and treat me the way I should be treated.
No matter what you did to me, it is in the past. I have moved on. I have mostly healed. I survived. I'm a survivor, not a victim anymore. You can't hurt me anymore.
