Are you a among the many who fears using the toilet? Afraid a scurry of rabid squirrels is on the prowl in the sewers desperately searching for food, and your manhood/womanhood, naked and vulnerable, is next in line to be pickled by a devious bunch of furry rodents? Well have no fear! The ever-so generous act of accidentally giving your last cigarette to that homeless guy last night who happened to catch you in a moment of drunken Gandhi-ism, might just save your fun bits! Here's an impeccably formulated and simplified karma scale, as well as information on what you can do to ensure your next poo is a stress free one.

1. Hitler's Evil Twin

Are you a violent racist who enjoys punching kittens and tripping babies just recently learning to walk? Unfortunately your karma level is a 1, meaning you should definitely carry a weapon with you when using the bathroom; preferably a shotgun. Rabid squirrels are nothing to screw with, especially when your pants are down.

Tips for achieving a higher karma level: Everything you're doing, stop it... Yes, that too. Put the kitten down.

Fun Fact: Hitler might not have punched kittens or tripped babies. But who's to say he didn't? Are you going to defend Hitler? That's what I thought.

2. Martin Shkreli

Would you do just about anything to become a billionaire? Even if it means raising the price of a life-saving drug by 4000%, further impoverishing an already suffering people? Hopefully you have enough cash to invent your very own rodent defense toilet because rabid squirrels cannot be paid off. Trust me, I’ve tried.

Tips for achieving a higher karma level: Try using your money for good! Rich billionaire, fighting injustice, wooing the lady's... Can you say Iron Man suit? C'mon, who cares if they tell you it can't be built. When has reasoning and logic ever stopped you in the past?

Fun Fact: I have decided to Kickstart the “AC Rodent Mulcher 5000,” a toilet designed to be the first and last defense against sewer squirrel invasion. If you share this you get one free.

3. Like picking your nose at a stoplight, you hurt no one, but...

Congratulations! You've done enough moderately good and bad things to even your karma level out. Like a river hippo, nobody really bothers you but they don't like you either. You are safe from karma risen sewer squirrels at this level, however, who knows when your karma level will drop? Might as well invest in some extra protection...

Tips for achieving a higher karma level: There's always room for improvement. Try tipping next time you go out. You're trying to tell me you tip and have a higher karma level than this? Let's get real now.

Fun Fact: 90% of non-tippers stay at this karma level. The other 10% are in either level 1 or 2. You are not Mr. Pink, tip you hippo.

4. Old Lady Courier

You go out of your way to help those in need. Old lady needs help crossing the street? You're there to carry her along. Your friends need a designated driver? You can always be counted on to provide safe passage to and from the bar for your buds. So much so it seems like there is never a time where you aren't the DD. You are safe from karma squirrels, but that doesn't necessarily mean your friends are. Next time you're holding your friend's hair back as they're puking their brains out in a gross bathroom stall, you may be in for a fury surprise. Whether you help or leave them victim to an angry sewer squirrel attack is up to you.

Tips for achieving a higher karma level: Keep doing you my friend! You are so sweet you're probably finding yourself consistently in the friend zone with everyone you take an interest in. But who needs romantic companionship when your bathroom experiences are stress free?

Fun Fact: Frequently leaving your friends victim to karma squirrel attacks may or may not effect your karma level. That one is up to the karma Gods.

5. The abstinence-born love child of Mother Theresa and Superman

You've done it. You are the golden boy, the chosen one, the person who is so good that the Vatican has approved your tears as a legitimate source for the holiest of holy waters. Sewer rodents have a picture of your junk with the tag line “Off Limits” hanging in their kitchens, and they sing songs in your name when chowing down on pickled remains of the less fortunate. Way to go you!

Tips for achieving a higher karma level: Your season is over coach. Sit back and enjoy your accomplishments.

Fun Fact: You are probably not at this level.