Bar owners must have realized that drunken small talk and uncomfortable dancing were no longer sufficient night-out activities, because now just about every establishment seems to have added a karaoke and/or trivia night to their week's line up. While trivia is relatively safe, the only embarrassment being that you may answer that the Red Socks are the latest NFL champions or that the Nile borders Peru, karaoke requires you to expose more than just your deficit of trivial knowledge. It asks you to surrender your dignity, share your vocal talent (or often, lack thereof), and sometimes it asks you to give up a little piece of your soul.
This is no reason to miss out on the fun, though! If you do have reservations about hitting the mic, here are a few karaoke survival skills I have gleaned as both a participant and an observer of the fine sport. Take heed, and then go forth with your inner MJ:
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First, try to find a good opening act. And by that I mean, opportunely position your song to follow the worst singer in the whole bar. When standards are low, that is your time to shine.
Always hold the microphone about ten+ inches from your face. This is the perfect safeguard to allow you to sing along with no reservations but still spare all of the unsuspecting victims from your fluctuating pitches.
Always take a buddy on stage with you. This provides you with a dancing partner, another voice to help drown out your own, and someone to claim 50% of any embarrassment created by your performance.
Do not try to sing: Fun, Coldplay, Aerosmith, Hozier, Kanye West, or really any rap song that you think you sound cool singing along to in your car. It will become exponentially less cool when you take your 2 Chainz act in front of a crowd.
Do sing: Dixie Chicks, Aaron Carter, Billy Joel, Beyonce, Blink-182, or any jam that has a good clap-along beat.
Have a few beverages before taking the stage so that you aren't overly nervous or self-conscious during your big performance. However, draw the line after “a few" or else you will end up booty-popping it on stage to some Nikki Minaj song that you didn't even know you liked and completely forgetting the ten-inch rule so everyone can hear your shrill drunk shouts.
Make friends with the DJ. This will ensure that your song does get played despite the long line of Aretha Franklin requests that came flooding in before yours from business professionals looking for a stress outlet.
Have a go-to stationary dance move prepared. Remember to keep it simple, repeatable, and adjustable so that you can amend it to fit with just about every song. If you aren't feeling particularly creative, the “sway and snap" still beats awkward “hands-in-pocket-stiff-shoulders-no-dance," which is the worst thing you can subject your audience to as a karaoke performer.
If you are going to request to sing “Ice, Ice Baby," know the words to “Ice, Ice Baby." You would think this one would be a given but you haven't seen the things I have seen.
Remember that everyone looks ridiculous singing karaoke. In fact, it's one of the most ridiculous-looking activities right up next to eating a Chipotle burrito, or any exercise involving an exercise ball. That's what makes it so fun.
