If I had a dollar for every time I worried about my future I would wake up every morning, walk to my window, grab a megaphone, and yell “Good morning Bill!” and Bill Gates would wave back at me, or flip me off depending on what time it was.
I worry too much, this I know, but I can’t help it. I pass by couples walking on the sidewalk, sitting in the dining hall, out together at a party, posting on social media, holding hands on the bus, blahblahblah, and the same questions flash through my mind and drive me crazy.
“When will that be me?”
“When will people be disgusted in my cute relationship?”
“Will I ever be as happy as they seem?”
I know that I will, eventually. But this middle ground, waiting room, purgatory where I’m at now, sucks. I hate it. I like to have a plan for everything. I make lists, so many lists, I stay up late mapping out what I’m going to do the next day, I try my hardest to be prepared and on time, if not early. So waiting around for my future to “just happen” is a living hell.
I have this idea of the way my life is supposed to turn out, I have a plan, but the plan means nothing if I’m alone. These thoughts increase as we inch closer to the holiday season. A time spent with family and loved ones, where I’m surrounded by family and my families loved ones, and I’m all alone. I’m not going to lie, it’s hard to enjoy my favorite time of year with these thoughts constantly bombarding my every thought. Christmas shopping, baking cookies, singing christmas carols, drinking hot cocoa wrapped in a blanket, playing in the snow, all holiday activities that I love and I’m constantly thinking about how much more fun, how much more enjoyable doing the things I love with someone I love would be.
This is not a pity party and I don’t want any sympathies or “it’ll happen”, “just be patient”. I know and I will overlook my thoughts and ignore that pesky voice in the back of my head to enjoy my favorite time of year with my family. Because they are all amazing, beautiful, and generous people who make my life meaningful and happy. I may not have a significant other to share this magical time of year with, but I have all of you.
This is to remind you all to not take your loved ones for granted. Enjoy them, spend as much time with them as you can, do it for those of us who don’t have a significant other. Make plans, hell, be spontaneous just be with the person who makes your life a thousand times better just by smiling, because even with my constant anxiety about my future, I will be doing the most I can with the people I love this holiday season.
Happy holidays everyone, I wish you and your families the best and the most magical holiday season.
P.S. If you are with your significant other and see me, staring at you with a look of disgust, ignore me. I am 100% jealous.
ALSO, I am aware that it is only November, but if you think that the holiday season does not start until December, you’re in denial and you’re wrong.
Happy Holidays! xx
