This is the first article I've written about my recent break up. I didn't write about it for obvious reasons. It was tense and you just don't write a public article about those things at first. Then, it hit. Why? Anything about a break up is always "a year ago" or "a long time ago", and even "when I was younger". They are all about how things will get better eventually and such, but nobody ever talks about it DURING a break up. When your world has unhinged and you cry yourself to sleep every night. Writing is my form of therapy and coping. I decided that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Break ups SUCK! I don't want to know it'll get better. I don't want the cliches... I want something meaningful.
I'll start with night of the split. To be told, by this person you loved unconditionally for however long, that things aren't working or that they don't how they feel anymore... it's nothing short of being shot in the chest then having someone shove a finger in the bullet hole. My heart broke into a million pieces. As I tried to be supportive and kind with "I understand" and "it's ok, I'll be fine", inside I screamed a different story. I didn't understand, it wasn't ok, and I wouldn't be fine. I cried for days, any reminder set me into a fury of devastation. A word, a phrase, a song, a movie, it would be like being shot all over again.
Keep in mind, he was not cruel in leaving, he was not rude, and he tried to give me answers to my questions about the reasons he was leaving. It wasn't a bad fight, it was a calm conversation. That in some ways made things worse. I wanted so desperately to hate him! I searched over the "break up conversation" for a week, I analyzed every part trying to find any reason to be mad so I could say "well he was a jerk so screw him", but I couldn't. I couldn't hate him, I don't think I truly wanted to hate him; I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. Even after a little over a month, sometimes it still feels like it happened yesterday. Those are the nights I still cry myself to sleep, fighting the urge to call him and beg him to come back.
No doubt, I felt anger. I wanted to yell at him. Why he would do this? Why couldn't he just fight through this with me? Through thick and thin right, that's what love is right? No matter what I felt he should have done, he didn't. He chose to break it off. Yet, I smiled and hid the pain as best I could. "Staying positive and supportive" was my motto. Even as only his friend, I still protected him and continued to love him without hesitation.
Trying to understand him was a million piece puzzle that had a thousand pieces missing. I stayed hopeful that things would be better, that things would change. Then, I realized that I wasn't exactly sure what I was hoping for anymore. Did I want him back or did I want him happy? Did I want him to be happy because he was with me? I have prayed a million times and thought through this a million times and the pain isn't going away. If I try to let go, I can't. If I don't give up hope, the pain still remains. If I try to move on, I feel hopeless. Any step I take in any direction is another bullet in my chest.
The "staying friends" hasn't seemed right to me either. I try to see him as a friend, but all I see is the guy I loved for so long. His smile each time is like fresh air. My heart still jumps and I smile when his name pops up on my phone. So "just friends" seems like a war in myself that suffocates the fire of love I had for him. Believe me when I say I tried to extinguish the fire. But it was like I was throwing water on a grease fire. A;ways backfiring and created a bigger fire that was harder to contain or control.
Don't take this article as a "venting piece" because it has a deeper meaning. The fact is, I don't have hope things will get better at this point in time, but that's actually normal. I want others to know that it's ok to not have hope constantly. The thing is, you won't always have hope and you won't know what to do. That's me right now; I feel alone, like an entire piece of me in missing, and I wonder if he misses me or has forgotten about me. Guess what? That's normal. I still hope he will wake up one day and just want me back; I still hope about those things. I don't know the future, but I do know that I shouldn't feel ashamed about my pain. I shouldn't feel like I can't express the hopelessness. Nobody should have to feel like hiding.
To all those who can't move on... you are NOT alone. Sometimes people leave such imprints on our hearts that getting over them feels impossible. I know because I just can't get over him, the guy that my heart loved and still loves with great passion.
