Dear Maggie,
You deserve to know the story of what happened to your father and I, and I'm finally at the place in my mind where I'm able to tell you.
My sweet sweet child, I'm not asking for your forgiveness because I know there's none from you, I've already made my peace with what happened.
Love you always and forever,
Juniper (mom).
Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's just makes them a hell of a lot easier to ignore.
I never used to be this cynical, once upon a time I believed in the perfect love story, but that was before everything that happened to me. I grew up in a broken home and still believed that love existed, I knew my soulmate was out there looking for me, searching just like I was searching. At one point I had thought I found him. Actually, at several points I thought the guy I was with was the one.
It was hard to tell myself that I hadn't actually found him, that's how right it felt. They say that "when you know, you know," but apparently by that point I was just too broken to differentiate Mr. Right from Mr. Right Now.
The last guy did a number on me, – that was your dad – he pushed me to the limits, breaking me and putting me back together again, making me so numb that I don't think I can ever come back from that. His name was Giuseppe, I say "was" because I was forced to do something I never thought I'd be able to do.
They say a killer is born, a killer isn't made and I'm starting to think that's true because it was just too easy for me.
I never got to tell you what happened to your dad, but just know that I hacked him up into little pieces. I cut off one finger at a time and watched him howl in pain and I felt nothing. No remorse, no little flutter in my heart for hurting the man I had claimed to love. I wasn't even nauseous, which is what usually happened to me when I saw blood. That's how I knew I was too far gone, too gone to care, too gone to feel any type of regret. I just wanted to end him. To end the hurt and the pain that he had caused us, caused me.
I know I was selfish because now you'll grow up in a world where you're just another statistic, another child with no father. But at least you should find comfort in the fact that it's not because he didn't want you, but it's because your mother loved you and wanted to protect you from the monster he was. Inevitably turning into a monster herself. That's what he did to people, he found the innocent ones and preyed upon their kindness. He thought of kindness as a weakness and used it against me whenever he could. He was also the jealous possessive type, if he caught me talking to another man he would lock me in a room downstairs with no food for a week.
I'm not saying what he did deserved what I did to him in return, I am by no means trying to justify my actions. Not to you, not to me, I'm just telling you the facts. He got a sadistic pleasure of carving his name into my body with his old pocket knife. Every time the wounds healed he did it all over again.
He liked to pull off my fingernails one by one to see how I'd react, by the time I finally got the courage to take a stand, I knew I was pregnant with you and I couldn't let him do what he did to me to my little light of hope.
In the last month before you came into this world I knew that time had run out and I had to end him. I had been planning my attack. Everyday he asked me how come I was getting so fat and I told him I was gaining my energy to kill him. He would only laugh thinking himself invincible, untouchable, immortal. The idiot.
On a bright Tuesday morning, – of all mornings I chose a Tuesday, nothing eventful ever happens on a Tuesday so it was perfect, – I got up at the crack of dawn way before him and found the chloroform I had stashed away. I put it over his nose and held it there, then I dragged him down to the basement where I knew none of our pesky neighbors would hear his scream.
Then I got to work. The first thing I did was secure his hands and feet to the cuffs made into the wall, it had a real dungeon feel and then I sat waiting for him to come around. By the time he did it was after noon, – guess I gave him too much chloroform – and he struggled against the cuffs after opening his eyes and seeing me sitting serenely in the chair across from him.
The first thing out of his mouth was "get me down from here you fat cow," and I only smiled my secret smile because I knew something he didn't know. I knew you were on the way and I wouldn't be "fat" much longer. Too bad he wouldn't be here to see you, he'd be too dead for that.
I rose from my seat and picked up the pliers, they were dirty and rusted just how I wanted them and I opened his mouth and pulled out all of his teeth except his two front teeth. Ironic, every time I think about that I laugh and sing the song in my head. "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth," well he had those.
After I finished that task I pulled off his fingernails, I watched the tears leak from under his tightly shut eyes. "Pain is just weakness leaving the body, you'll live. You put me through worse than this." I'm going to save you the gory details of what I did to your father. Just know it was long, drawn out and painful, well for him at least.
As he took his last few breaths I told him the reason I was getting fatter was because I was about to have his baby, that was when the slight sliver of hope returned to his eyes. He thought he could use it against me, as leverage to change my mind from killing him, but what he didn't know was I was beyond reason. Beyond listening to any word that came out of his mouth.
"You wouldn't want our baby to grow up without a father would you? Get me down from here and I'll pretend like this whole thing didn't happen and that you're not just a stupid cow." I had to laugh, a guy in his position shouldn't be saying things like that to a lady who's off her rocker. I laughed and kept laughing so hard I had to sit back down. What he said to me was so funny that tears started to roll down my dirtied cheeks.
He couldn't understand what I was laughing at and there was no point in explaining. I picked up his pocket knife, the same one he used on me to carve into me skin and I felt the edge. Good, it was dull. Meaning he'd feel every bit of this. His eyes widened as I came closer to the light and he saw what I was holding and the kind of smile I had on my face.
"I know you don't believe me Juniper but every thing I've done, I've done because I love you. I wanted to protect you from the evils of this world and if you give me a chance I'll protect our child from them too."
"It's a girl you know, and I'm going to name her Magdalene, like Mary Magdalene. She's going to be the most beautiful baby and have the most beautiful soul, no thanks to us. She won't be like her parents, she'll have a better life than I did and find a better man to love. She won't waste her youth on no good, low life men. She'll have it far better than I. See my fate is already sealed, my destiny is to kill you so the world will be more the better for not having you to taint it with your vile ways."
"Juniper, you say you hate me now but our love story was one of the best the world has every seen. There shall be no other like it." With those being the last words he spoke I cut out his tongue and watched him bleed profusely, then I took his tongue and put it in the blender making it into small pieces and made him drink it. All the while enjoying watching him gag and spit it out. After that I didn't see any reason to keep him alive any longer so I killed him. Then I kept hacking away at his body till he became unrecognizable.
After I was satisfied I went upstairs and washed my body making sure I got off all the blood. When I was done I got into bed and in the middle of the night my water broke. I called the ambulance and they took me to the hospital. The nurse there asked me if there was anyone I would like her to call and I told her that I had just murdered my boyfriend so she should call the cops.
After I delivered you a bright bundle of joy I was questioned by the police and told them everything. They asked if I had any close family members and I told them my mom lived in Albuquerque they should contact her and I would give her full custody of you.
The cops went to the house and found Giuseppe just like I said they would and called back to the hospital to have me arrested. I've been in this mental institution for the last eighteen years and even though I keep telling them that I'm not insane they won't listen to me. I overheard one of the nurses say that it's sad what happened to me. It's not actually, it's only made me stronger and I don't regret anything that's happened still to this day. Like I said before the world is a better place without that horrible man, and it would be a better place without me too.
