Because Mercury is in retrograde. That's why.

Did you just find out your boyfriend cheated on you with your best friend? Girl, it's fine! Don't you worry. Mercury is in retrograde.

Are you failing your summer class that you paid so much money to take? Don't sweat it. Mercury is in retrograde.

Did you completely total your car and no longer have one to drive? It'll all be fine because Mercury! Is! In! Retrograde!

Are you financially unstable? Emotionally and physically done with your life? Blame it on the fact that Mercury is in retrograde.

You don't have friends? Neither does Mercury.

Did you get pregnant because you were careless and didn't use protection? Guess what! Now you can name that kid Mercury.

Do you keep spending money you don't have on things you don't need? So does Mercury.

Is our planet dying? Yes. And Mercury is in retrograde.

You want to raid Area 51 and "see them aliens"? Well, they don't want to see you. Because Mercury is in retrograde.

Oh, you just graduated and you want to change your major? You can't, sis. Mercury is in retrograde.

Do you feel stuck in your life and like you're not moving in a positive direction? Mercury isn't either.

Are you frustrated easily? Do people piss you off and get you so angry all you want to do is curse them out? Mercury would want that. Go do it.

Do you keep blaming all of the bad things that have been happening to you on yourself or other people? Literally stop being a child and blame it on Mercury.

If none of this has happened to you, you have many reasons to fear. You have to ruin your own life so Mercury doesn't do it for you. No one is safe!