Many of us enter Georgia Tech with what we think is a strict and foolproof life plan. Some of us know our intended major, our hopes and dreams for this life, and how to prepare ourselves for that future in the next four years. However, most of us don’t – I still question my future every day. And while that’s completelyokay, I have found that more often than not, we are too ashamed to talk about it.
Georgia Tech has always been synonymous with success, rigor, and hard work. Many of us arrive thinking we are the crème de la crème of the academic world and most of us are used to being at the top of our class. We know what is expected of us and we carry that pressure throughout our collegiate career. Unfortunately, in my case and the case of many other students at Tech, we quickly discover that we are no longer the ‘best’, the ‘brightest’ – or at least that’s what we come to believe. In my personal journey, I found myself quickly comparing myself to the ‘geniuses’ - the students who were already building robotic arms in high school and who were making national headlines for hacking our rival’s university page. They were the essence of Tech and I was breaking my back just to pass linear algebra.
By the middle of sophomore year I was already feeling discouraged, depressed, and unworthy. I turned to alcohol to cope and justified using pharmaceuticals to ‘get on everyone else’s level’ academically. I paraded self-deprecating humor as my armor and intentionally slacked off so you would think it was laziness, not stupidity, that prevented me from creating the next start-up or life-saving technology. Quickly, I was questioning my self-worth and acceptance to Tech in the first place. I changed majors, I played it safe, avoided the difficult courses, and spent hours online trying to find the easiest professors. I lost faith in myself and grew increasingly fearful that I was the only one feeling out of place.
Unfortunately and fortunately, this is far from the truth. Many Tech students have recently come out about depression, anxiety, and the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy our university can induce. While I never wish this struggle on anyone, I have found solace in our shared struggles and power in opening the dialogue. Fear of being seen as less-than kept me silent for most of my depression and led me to issues of substance abuse and self-harm that threw my life off track.
Before I knew it, my infallible four-year plan to ensure my future became a seven-year plan. I took a year off to seek help and center myself. My plans and interests changed, I changed. I regained the confidence and tenacity I stepped on to Tech campus with as a freshman. I realized my ‘safe-bet’ major was a cop-out, me selling myself short.
Even after all of the hard work and self-seeking, I still found myself embarrassed of my journey; shame and anxiety that someone might discover I am a 24-year old still in school. Even today, I feel pressured to just complete the major I have sunk so many hours into just to ‘get out’ at an acceptable age. However, I have made a vow to myself to take my time, to take a few extra semesters to complete a degree in something I have always wanted to do but never believed in myself enough. I have had many bumps, dead-ends, and re-directions along my road, but I can now appreciate the person it has helped me become.
My journey may not be the perfect, linear journey I envisioned, but it has allowed me to envision and achieve something even greater. To anyone else feeling lost, inadequate, out of place, or questioning their future, you aren’t alone and it does get better. Life may throw many unanticipated obstacles our way, but it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to not know the whole plan yet and, even when you think you know yourself, it is okay for that to change. As much as we want to believe, there is no algorithm for life and our journey is seldom linear. Plans change, we change, and sometimes the brightest future is the one we never saw coming.
