John Mulaney is one of the gifts of our generation, and he is incredibly relatable. Another incredibly relatable aspect of life is crappy retail jobs. So why don't we combine?
1. When you're shiny and new and naive
Ah, I remember the days where I legitimately cared whether or not customers enjoyed their experience with me. I'd get so devastated that someone was mean to me. Now...nah. You learn quickly that people are jerks.
2. When the manager lets you go home early
Listen, going home early is a beautiful, beautiful thing. It's amazing, especially when you're a closer like me and going home early means you might get to bed before midnight.
3. When something vital breaks down in the middle of an incredibly busy shift
Fun fact, I work in a kinda-food-service job, and we ran out of chicken on our busiest day of the week. Ran. Out. Of. Chicken. We couldn't fry chicken that wasn't there. And genuinely, at that point, we all sort of looked at each other and sighed. There was no panic. Just mute acceptance.
4. For ladies: When random men decide to hit on you
Where...where do you think you're gonna get with this? Like honestly, what elderly man hits on a nineteen year old girl and expects anything to come of it? What exactly are you thinking that you will accomplish? Just...why????
5. Customer while you're closing: Are you open?
IT IS ELEVEN PM. Our fryers are down, the chicken case is cold. We. Are. Clooooooooooooooooosed.
6. When a customer is being incredibly rude to you and you can't do a thing about it
I can't count the number of times where a customer has talked down to me or said something totally rude or done something I hated and I couldn't say a word.
7. When a customer comes in at 9:59 and you close at 10 and they act like you should be open
Yes, I know it isn't ten yet. Yes, I know I am obligated to serve you at this point. But please please please just know that you being served right now will set me back a solid fifteen or so minutes, maybe more, depending on what you want. I want to go home.
8. When you get the typical "Well, it must be free!" joke or other common ones
I have heard this joke so. Many. Times. And I have to force myself to laugh every single time.
9. When people ask how you're doing
Nine times out of ten when someone asks me how I am, the answer is not "Great!" But you don't want to hear about how I burned myself with oil and my feet hurt and how I'm exhausted and only here so I can eat next semester.
10. When you're five minutes into the shift and it's already going downhill
There was one day where I got yelled at exactly five minutes into my shift. It was great fun.
11. When a customer asks you if doing something would be too much trouble
All the time I get "Oh, sorry for being a bother!" or "I'm sorry, would that be too much of a bother?" I am not allowed to say yes to that, even if it really is a huge bother.
12. When you finally get an awesome customer who gives you faith in humanity
Sometimes, there are customers who make everything worth it, and that absolutely make your day. To those customers, thank you for making my day better.
To all my fellow retail friends, hang in there! We've got this, and with the help of John Mulaney, we can do it.
