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Joan Confronts Jacqueline

I think not

Jan 04, 2017

Joan sat back and really internalized everything Guadalupe had just pointed out to her. Joan became sick to her stomach, everything Guadalupe said was right. Joan gets up.

Joan: I’m going to the phones. This whole thing is literally making me sick, like I can’t.

Guadalupe: I’m coming with you! Who knows what she has planned for you next.

Joan: Ay! Madonna Mia!

Joan calls Tommy

Phone rings

Tommy: Hello?

Joan: Tommy Oh My God! I miss you so much I’m so sorry I missed visitation. I was so sick you have no idea.

Tommy: Hey honey! Its ok, Jacqueline told me everything ….you bitch!

Joan: Excuse me?

Tommy: Yeah she told me how you were busy and just couldn’t be bothered not even to see and spend time with your fucking family!

Joan: What the fuck is going on?

Tommy: I don’t know, you tell me. I come to see my wife in prison, and she suddenly can’t be bothered to show up? Unbelievable….

Joan: ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU’RE THE REASON IM FRIGGIN IN HERE!

Tommy: What? Unbelievable, you know what I’ve done? I’ve had enough for the moment. I knew I should’ve just let it ring and called Jacqueline I…

Joan: JACQUELINE?? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING CALLING- HOW DO YOU EVEN HAVE HER FRIGGIN NUMBER??

Tommy: SHE GAVE IT TO ME! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT HUH?

Joan: SHE’S DEAD DEFUNTO!

Joan hangs up the phone and starts quickly making her way to the health clinic. Guadalupe follows behind her trying to catching up to her out of breath.

Guadalupe: What are you doing chica? Tuesloca?

Joan: I want to know why she gave my Husband her fucking number! Like is she serious? Who does she think she is? She’s got the wrong fucking Italian, the wrong fucking one! Two things you don’t mess with, my husband and my kids! And she’s done just that! And now she’s dead!

Guadalupe: You can’t hit her, you’ll never leave! Especially knowing that she’s fucking the warden.

Joan: Yeah cuz that’s the only man she’ll be getting! I don’t share!

Guadalupe: Aye yiyi

Joan busts through the doors of the medical clinic and beelines it to where Jacqueline lays chatting with the warden.

Joan: IM GONNA ASK YOU ONE TIME…

Jac: Joan what? Wha….

Joan: WHAT IN THIS FUCKING WORLD MADE YOU THINK IT WAS OK ON ANY LEVEL TO GIVE MY HUSBAND YOU’RE FUCKING NUMBER HERE?! THAT’S MY HUSBAND, HE’S FUCKING ME, NOT YOU, ME! YOU GET IT?

Jac: Not for long.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Joan Confronts Jacqueline

I think not

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Because have you ever had to endure grilling your foot on a George Foreman?

1. When he just wanted bacon from his George Foreman grill

2. When he had money (and Jan) issues

3. When he got upstaged at Phyllis' wedding

4. When he unintentionally saved Meredith from rabies

5. When he wore a "bisexual" suit

6. When he had to apologize to Jesus

7. When his GPS drove him into a lake

8. When he had to deal with Ryan as his boss

9. When he couldn't fulfill his most generous empty promise

10. When this happened

11. When he struggled with a X-Mas break up

12. When he had to defend his generosity

13. When he threw a classy Christmas party for Holly but she had a boyfriend

14. When he had to stand up to peer pressure

15. When Toby was "Toby-ish"

This isn't just for the single Pringles out there either, folks

Run Around Clanging Pots and Pans in Everyone's Face

Eat the Last Few Pigs in a Blanket

Pop Twelve White Grapes

Burn Something

Smash Things Against a Wall

Spontaneously Begin an Irish Jig

Call Your Mother

Throw a Coffee Table Out a Window

Sing "Auld Lang Syne" at the Top of Your Lungs

Do Some Squats

Swan Dive into a Nearly Freezing Body of Water

Take a Shot

Time to be merry and bright.

"First Noel" by Leslie Odom, Jr

"A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Kelly Clarkson

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home" by Michael Buble

"Last Christmas" by Taylor Swift

"The Christmas Song" by Josh Groban

"White Christmas" by Idina Menzel

"O Holy Night" by David Archuleta

"Believe" by Josh Groban

"Les cloches du hameau" by Celine Dion

Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

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