As I enter this new season of life, I'm blessed enough to say I made it. I struggle with talking about my faith, truthfully, it's nothing more than fear and worry. As I battle with anxiety and depression, I am still convicted in the truth that God loves me, yet I can't share that with others. I've found strength in discussion of my mental illness and trauma, but why not God? God being the reason I even made it this far, the reason I'm writing you today.

It's fear. After rejection or hate for what I love so dearly, I struggle with telling people about God. A larger piece to this fear is what I would refer to as the 'hateful' Christians. I once read that you don't buy something off all the negative things about it or the things you can't do. You buy it because of all the good and what it does well. I am constantly watching people condemn each other publicly or tell each other how much God hates them. In a world with so much hate and anger, I struggle with this concept because, well God loves you. He goes for the 1 and leaves the 99, meaning if 99 are there, he's fighting to bring the 1 back. However, so often we tell that 1 that aren't enough. That their sin is too much.

2019 was a tough year for me, overall going back to 2018 it was tough. Don't get me wrong, 2018 brought me a lot of blessings. I met a group on my 6^th mission trip that has ended up as my new home church and my boyfriend that year. 2018- the end of 2019 has also brought a lot of grief. In 2018 a close childhood friend tragically and unexpectedly passed away which broke me down in new ways. At the beginning of 2019 my grandfather, whom I adored passed away from Dementia. In March of 2019 I grieved 2 students I knew that killed themselves within 8 days of each other. The deaths continued to roll in in 2019 as May brought another. A previous teacher, whom I accredit to saving my life in high school lost his wife tragically. It wasn't necessarily that I was grieving her in a way that he was, but I was grieving for him. As the death tolls rolled in, 2019 ended with 9 total deaths, 10 if you count my friend in 2018. If you do the math, 5 of those were people I had been fairly close to.

I really struggled in this season of faith. I felt like I was doing everything right. I was teaching at church, praising God, doing mission work, heck I even lead the trip in 2019. I felt like I was doing everything right, but I was tired. So, after my 7^th trip in 2019 I stopped attending my church. I accredit my boyfriend to the next part because without him I probably wouldn't have reconnected with the mission group I went with in 2018. He reminded me that if I felt like I was having a problem with my faith, that it might be time for a change. That "they completely adore you(me)" and that I should give them a chance. So, I messaged someone from the group in August, went through a horrible depressive patch in the winter, and come January I made the switch.

So, you may be asking, what does all that have to do with talking about God. Well truthfully, God and I have been talking for months now and I'm just now speaking up. I've had something to talk about, but I just couldn't do it. I think God places people perfectly in your life for the perfect reason. In February 2018 after my best friend died and a relationship ended, I began dating my current boyfriend. However, I met him back in 2014 and just in 2018 our hearts were ready for each other. I began going to a new church January 2020 but had met the family that help me get acclimated back in 2018. God was sewing these narratives in my life without me even knowing, so in my struggles he was working.

He was working on a relationship that is centered around him when I wasn't even thinking I needed it. He was working on my heart to let people in. I tend to put walls up, if you know me, I know you must think this is oh-so crazy. (Sarcasm, my walls with people are higher, longer, and thicker than The Great Wall of China). God sent me on a trip with random people in 2018, people I fell totally in love with because of their hearts and told me to wait. When I was ready to half let them in, which was way better than before, he sent me back. I had to work on my heart before I could be with them. Now I can truly say I have another family. Though I swear I'll burden them, and they promise I won't, my family grew larger. They've welcomed me in with open arms, and had I not worked on my heart, I probably wouldn't have accepted. Had I not been through some bad relationships, I wouldn't have seen what good ones were.

So here I am talking about it. I'm talking about the heart issues I had for lent this year and the narrative God wrote for me. How he sews things in our lives that we don't even see until later. How our faith only needs to be the size of a mustard seed and most important to my heart, how he leaves for the 1. From 2018 until January 2020 I was the 1. I loved God, I believed in his goodness, but I was angry. However, he placed people in my life that let me fall and cry to them. He let me be angry and told me it's okay. He continued to sew as I screamed at him. Now as I see what he's sewn I am look up in awe. I am so blessed.