This poem was a kneejerk response to receiving a letter from my father who I've never met. A lot of the imagery stems from my first childhood memories--on beaches in California with my grandmother, who stood in as a second parent from the time I was a baby. This poem addresses feelings of loss and abandonment, as well as conceptualizing personal identity when considering absent parents.

--

In my dream last night I was the smallest seed

With roots that barely touched the floor

Mary Janes swinging like two little girls

Back and forth

A see saw

And in the sea

I saw you wading away into

The water and then I saw you

Disappear

Abracadabra!

Just like that

It’s not much of a trick

And yet--

And yet, my face is your face

A psychic reflection,

Sea foam crisscrossing like telephone wires

Above our matching heads

His and hers, yours and mine

It all becomes part of the same stem.

In a sea of faces yours could disappear

Into hindsight except that

I know where you are and I know

What you’re all about

And I think I’ve met you before

In my sleep when I was floating

On my back in the crush and

The sky was my mirror.

There is nothing lost or gained in this ocean

Well, of course there’s climate change and

You know all about that coral bleaching and the

Sharks who sink finless into the depths

And the fish that float belly up into the combs

Of brittle beaches--

You know all about the bottom

The sorts of fossils that you could never

Conjure up

Except you’ve seen them

In photographs and on

National Geographic

And in waiting rooms and all those

Quiet

Apartments--

Like showgirls,

All dressed up and nowhere to glow.

In my dream the sun was my father

And his kisses gave me legs for days.

Can you imagine something like that?