The beginning

As I leave the month of November, there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about the place I was last year at this time. I remember the months of October through January were spent in and out of hospitals. November was the beginning of it all before everything went down hill. October was just the calm before the storm before everything start accelerating at 100 miles per hour for me. It was a dark period that was spent in late night panic attacks while I was driving by myself, and spending time in emergency rooms thinking I was dying when in reality it was just anxiety. I never thought I'd be able to get out of it to be completely honest, I thought I was going to be stuck feeling the way I did for a long time. I started feeling suicidal, this pain that ached not only on the inside but also affected me physically was unbearable, I just wanted it gone. In a way I felt like I was doing this to myself. I over thought every last word spoken from someone else's mouth, every situation before I even placed myself in it, I debated eating certain things because what if I randomly was allergic to it, or what if it wasn't healthy for me. The whole eating situation got so bad there would be times I'd skip eating just so I didn't have to think too hard about it. I'm still working on the whole over thinking everything and the eating situation, but I'm getting better. At the time I wasn't happy, I was miserable. I didn't believe I'd be happy again, I thought this was how it's going to be until I died.

Endurance

I remember lying awake at 3-4 a.m. thinking about everything in-depth, and when I could finally go to sleep I remember I'd wake up and my body physically ached. I also remember that at times if I tried to sleep that I'd feel pain in my chest, and there were times where there was a permanent lump in my throat. It just didn't feel good. I feel like the doctors in the emergency room got sick of me showing up constantly and thought of a temporary solution for a while would be medication. They prescribed me this pill that if I was ever having another panic attack again, it would calm me down in a matter of 15 to 30 minutes. They gave me 10. I only took one of those ten, the reason being was because I lost all emotion. I was numb, I was actually numb. Of course everything went away, but I didn't like the way it made me feel.

At the time I had lost my dog. I loved that dog so much.. his name was Pepe, losing him was hard. At the time with everything going on that was my tipping point. I remember waking up that Friday morning, it was November 18th, of 2016 and it was to his cries, I just assumed that he wanted to go outside, he wasn't moving or anything and it was weird. I called my dad, and he told me he had gotten hit by a car, and long story short I panicked, instantly started crying, and grabbed him and walked out of the house without a care. All that mattered to me was that dog. That dog gave me the comfort I needed when I isolated myself, and now I was going to lose that. I did not want to lose that. I needed him. We ended up putting him down because the injuries were so bad, the chance of him not making it was higher than the chances of him being with us. I didn't want him to be in pain anymore. I sat in the waiting room of the animal emergency room for 6 hours crying. I was a hot mess. It was a rough day for me. After that, for months whenever someone mentioned his name, I lost it. I've gotten better since then. I've learned to cope with it. You accustom to things after a while whether you like it or not, some things are inevitable.

Solutions

I gave up on medication so for a while in order to calm my heart palpitations and my body shaking uncontrollably taking long and hot showers helped. Then showers who were once my haven made me more paranoid. I at this point had completely isolated myself from the world. I just wanted to be home, but I didn't want to be alone. My diet consisted of a chicken breast and vegetables every single day. In a matter for 4 months I dropped 50 lbs. Anxiety took a toll on my body, it took control of my life. To this day I'm still afraid to drink even a sip of coffee because I fear that it'll make me have a panic attack, and it's been a while since I've had one of those. I can't afford having one of those because I've taken so many steps forward, and enduring another one of those would only cause me to go back to square one. I can't do that to myself, I'd be so disappointed.

I remember it was mid February when I had my wake up call. I was so sick of these uncontrollable headaches over stupid things, and reacting unnecessarily to certain events and certain people. I also was done with the random panic attacks, sometimes I wouldn't be thinking about anything and they'd just start. I remember I was home alone with my step mom, and I don't have the best relationship with her, but I approached her while I was having one of my attacks and she looked at me for the first time, actually looked at me and told me I really needed to get help.

Do you ever have those moments where people keep telling you the same thing over and over again but you don't listen, but the way one particular person says something to you changes everything, and it hits you? The way she said it hit me. It knocked me into a sense that I had lost a long time ago.

The following day I made an appointment with a therapist by my choice. I had tried therapy when I was younger when I was going through grieving because of my parent's divorce, but the way my therapists handled my situation was very manipulative and made me feel worse about the situation than I already did. I was scared, but it was my last opportunity to take control of my life. I wanted, I needed to get my shit together. So I went, and in the first session I poured my life out to her, and I realized that there were so many factors that played into the reason why I felt the way I did, and the reasons why they were bothering me was because I gave them the permission to do that. I was still in control but I wasn't filtering the good from the bad, I was just letting everything through, and that was why I lost control of myself and my life, because I let other people take charge of my life by letting them get the best of me. I let myself fall. I didn't mean to let myself go, but when I started going back to therapy on a weekly basis, I started to get stronger.

I started to build a new sense of self, I became more confident in myself. I took time to invest in myself, and started to eat healthier and take care of myself, I lost a lot of weight, and changed how I portrayed myself which really made a difference. At first it was scary when people would randomly come up to me asking for friendship so I could help them lose weight too and engage in my new lifestyle with me. It was intimidating and I had this irrational fear of going out, but I slowly I started to go out little by little. I had lost my friends, I was all alone, so I had to rebuild and establish new relationships but with the mindset of finding people who genuinely care and wouldn't leave and wouldn't pressure me into doing things I didn't want to do. It was hard, but I was blessed with a group of beautiful and empowering women that became a huge support group for me. It was definitely a process trying to establish a foundation of trust, but it happened.

Present

Everything that was happening last year isn't anything but a distant memory. I've grown up a lot since then and I feel like I'm a new person now. I have a different mindset about things, and although I'm still a little paranoid and it takes me a bit to warm up to people, I've made a lot of progress which I'm proud of. I've been really keeping it together. I have a base of healthy relationships with my family members and friends which I'm really grateful for. Specifically my family, because without their support I don't know where I'd be at this moment.

Side Note

I feel like no one talks about the internal struggles they face and the reason why I chose to write this, although it's personal, I hope it gives insight that people may seem like they're keeping it together, at some point they lose themselves to the consumption of trying to keep everyone happy and forgetting that they themselves are important too. It's important to seek help if you need it, there's nothing wrong with it. If you ever need someone to open up to, my inbox is always open. It's okay.