I have an addiction, but it’s not to drugs or alcohol. It’s to pleasing others. Here’s a typical scenario for me: it’s 8pm and I promised myself I would go to bed early because I need the rest. I’m journaling and drinking tea, winding down for the day. My phone buzzes, interrupting my nighttime playlist. I look down and it’s a text from one of my friends asking me to hang out. Here’s what my thought process looks like:
I really need to stay in tonight. I don’t want to go out. But she really wants me to hang out, and I can’t let her down. If I go, I’ll regret it, but if I don’t go I’ll feel bad for saying no. I need to say yes or else she’ll hate me. Okay, well, yes it is.
I know it seems irrational, but that’s how my mind works in those situations. I get trapped by my urge to please people. Obviously, my friend won’t actually hate me for saying no, but that’s how it feels in the moment for me. Nothing spikes my anxiety like the potential of someone thinking negatively about me.
If you’re like me and break out in a cold sweat at the thought of saying no, here are three reasons to start using those two simple-yet-daunting letters more.
First off, you need to realize that saying no does not, in any way, make you a “bad person.” When I say no to someone, I automatically assume they’re going to label me as rude, mean or selfish. In reality, none of those words describe me. Here’s the truth: the word no shouldn’t be off limits in your vocabulary. It should be something you can use as a tool to your discretion when you know you’re over committing or running yourself thin. It means valuing yourself and your time over other peoples’, which is not selfish—it’s simply self-care.
Secondly, you need to know you are worthy. You’re worthy of value, and your opinion matters. It’s great that you always put others in front of yourself, but remember that you’re a person too who deserves some time to yourself. If you keep living your life based on other peoples’ opinions of you and their happiness, you’ll never feel content. I had to learn that the hard way and realize that I will never be able to make anyone completely happy, and that’s okay. So focus on making yourself happy and knowing your worth!
Finally, you need to decide if what you’re saying yes to is actually important. Find the healthy balance between yes and no. Often, when I say yes, my mind is immediately plagued with doubt and reasons I should have said no instead. I start to think of ways I can get out of it, and that in turn causes a lot more stress for me. Weigh the pros and cons of what you’re agreeing to before you actually commit.
Take control of your decisions, and remember you have a right to say no. Don’t let your fear of people thinking negatively of you cause you to constantly say yes and overcommit. Your time should be valuable to you, and saying no doesn’t make you a monster - it just means you’re human and you know your limits.
