I am fighting a battle -- a battle against spiders. Yes, I said it. Spiders. And you know what? Every night before bed, I check my sheets for them, a shoe in each hand, ready to brutally end their lives with way more force than required. Sometimes I find one and even if I kill it, I still can't go to sleep because it confirmed my fear that sometimes there are spiders waiting in my bed for me; if they're in my bed, then they're in my room, and that is not okay.

I once tried to pretend that I wasn't afraid of spiders, until one day, in class, someone called my bluff and asked me to dispose of a spider. I put on my best battle-face and did my best to get rid of it without letting the panic bubble to the surface.

I don't pretend anymore because the second I tried to pick up that tiny demon with a napkin it moved; I screamed and fled the room.

Sometimes when I express the hatred and fear I feel when I think of spiders, someone will be like, "But spiders have families too!" Like somehow that will make me become sympathetic and understanding toward spiders. But that's the freaking point! Spiders have families and their families are also spiders! We should kill spiders because they have families. Not be sympathetic and just continue with our day!

When I was younger my mom always said, "They don't eat much. You shouldn't be afraid of them. You're so much bigger than they are, and I am sure they're more scared of you than you are of them."

Well guess what, mom? I'm bigger than a grenade too, but that's not going to stop me from running away before it kills me! I'm afraid of a lot of things that are smaller than me — like bees and wolverines and centipedes. I'm even kind of afraid of ants (don't even get my started with them).

We need to end the spider rebellion. They're taking over everything! I once saw a transparent one jump out at me with a machete while I was in the shower. Suffice it to say I did not finish showering...and I may have blown the top of the house off with my loud screams. And I can't remember if I got to murder the spider or not. I'm trying to repress.

The universal truth is spiders are freaking scary. I don't know why. I don't care to know why. All I know is when I see a spider, I flee the room and do not go back in until I am certain it is dead.

P.S. I just saw a spider on my stairs and I tried to squish it, but I missed and now I can't find it.

Update: Remember how I was like "P.S. There was a spider on my stairs and I tried to squish it, but no"? I found it. It decided to go and get in my shoe. At least I think it was the same spider. Maybe it was just a part of the other spider's army. I don't know. The point is that I felt totally defeated because it escaped my left shoe. And then I looked down and there was a big, black spider crawling INSIDE my right shoe, and I ran away yelling, "get it get it get it!!!" because I'm super brave. Then my boyfriend was like, "I know what would be a good idea! I should try to stab the spider," and he pulled out his pocket knife and was going to stab the spider in my shoe! I screamed and yelled and told him if he does that he is buying me new shoes! I'm not going to walk around knowing there are spider guts on my foot! He then proceeded to get the spider out of my shoe and tried to stab the spider. Surprise, surprise he missed and the spider ran away and now there's a fucking spider in my house.

UPDATE: Okay, this spider is a survivor. First, it escaped being crushed by me on the stairs. Then, it got away when my boyfriend was trying to stab it with a pocket knife and it ran under the couch. Tip: don't try to stab spiders.

I spent the rest of the day trying to find that spider. My room was totally flipped upside down. And then... I look up and the little demon is on the ceiling! Totally unreachable?! I called my boyfriend in, and I went to the corner of the room that was totally spider-free. That way I could witness the murder but still have no part in it.

My boyfriend made a long, poke weapon, and he climbed up onto the couch and went in for the kill. The spider did not die easily, and its death will probably be avenged in some fashion by its clone army, but for now it is gone.