It’s O.K. to want to end a friendship that’s lasted years. It’s one of the hardest things you may ever do, but if it ultimately benefits your mental health, it’s worth it.
If you have a friend who has mental disorders, a bad family life or a missing parental figure, don’t try to take on the role of their therapist. This is easy to do because a good friend is also considered a good “therapist”, but when most of your relationship turns into deep, underlying mental issues or signs of toxic relationships in their lives, you’ve crossed into actual Ph. D. required territory.
If your friend calls you crying because of their relationship and that’s the only contact you have from them, it’s not fair to you. Of course, comfort and love them. Please, tell them how amazing they are, that they deserve better and that in the long run they will be happier without that other person. But if your relationship is consumed by talk of their relationship, it's become too one sided. When you check on them the next day and they tell you everything is fine, that “he’ll change” or “promised to try more”, you have the right to be angry.
If you find yourself asking friends that are distant from the situation if their relationship is normal and are only met with more stories of emotional abuse, of more people who feel trapped and obligated to “fix” a relationship at such a young age, it’s ok to be frustrated.
If your friend continues to call or text asking what to do, no matter what you say, do or think, they can hear you, but they won’t listen. But what you need to remember is no matter how many articles you read or how many other people you talk to who have been in similar situations, you are not a professional. No matter how much you think your words will have that same impact, they won’t.
If the relationship is on the rocks and she’s calling to tell you it’s officially over, it’s OK to be ecstatic. To tell her you’re proud of her, that you love her and that everything will be OK. But when you ask her about it later on and she says she’s going to wait another month and see how it goes, know that she won’t. Expect more phone calls and more horrific stories.
If you take on the stress of that relationship as your own, when it’s reached a point of you calling your mother crying because you’re so worried for your friend, it’s O.K. to get space from the situation. It’s OK to let her know how you have been feeling, to ask her to please end it for not only herself, but for your friendship as well. When she refuses because she “believes that this can work” or she “doesn’t want to hurt his feelings”, it’s OK to be upset because she’s hurting your relationship with her instead.
If you take a few months away from the situation, that's it’s OK, you're allowed to take time for yourself. You may miss her but the lack of the constant pressure of the responsibility of the relationship leaves you relived and happy with your life. You are responsible for your own mental health first. You may think you’re letting her down, that you should be there every step of the way. But when you’ve dealt with it for a long time with no signs of change, it’s become toxic and that’s OK to let go of.
Even if your situation hasn’t blown up to this proportion, know that it’s alright if you feel like you need space. It’s OK to give yourself time, especially if the relationship has become emotionally exhausting. Don’t feel like it’s entirely your fault, a relationship is a two way street and if you go from friend to unofficial therapist, it’s OK to walk away.
