Listen, I know right now things seem so chaotic that things will never get better. Believe me, I've been there. I've had my days, weeks, even months where I just felt like I was constantly fighting currents and nothing was going my way. It was tiring, and I felt like I could do nothing besides pretend to be okay. To put up a front with some of my closest friends and family, to make it seem like everything was fine. But the truth is, I was far from okay... and it's okay, to not be okay.
At the beginning of this year, I was the happiest I had ever been. I was loving everything about myself (which was a constant battle on it's own), I was loving where I was in life, almost done with college and eager to see where my future would take me. But then, I was thrown the ultimate curve ball, and everything seemed to freeze. I was lied to, shut out, and I just didn't know what to do. I shut down.
However, I did my best to not let this be seen by my family and friends. I pretended that I didn't care about any of it-- but the truth is... all I did was care. I would stay up until all hours of the night, just waiting for the tears to put me to sleep. I would sit in the darkness of my bedroom every night after everyone else was asleep and just think about everything I did, and where I went wrong. It was eating me alive. But for anyone who knows me, it looked like nothing was wrong. I would wake up and go to the gym everyday like normal, I would go to work or school and pretend like nothing had happened, like I had gotten the suggested eight hours of sleep the night before. I pretended to be okay, though I was far off from being anywhere near okay.
This cycle happened for a solid month, of barely sleeping and just praying that things would eventually get better. The truth is, I still am not 100% okay. I still get the moments where the pain comes back and I just want to sit alone for a bit. However, I can honestly say that I am better than I was, and though I am not anywhere close to being perfect, or being "okay," I'm better... and that's perfectly okay too.
You see, though this was probably one of the most difficult things in my life to date, I tried my best to just live day to day. I tried my best to not let those things upset me anymore, and everyday as time went on, things started to get better. I started to think about other things, more happy things, and eventually, I started getting back to acting like the old, happy me. And with all of this, I learned one of the most important things I could've ever learned.
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to feel sad. However, what makes everyone different is how we react to these things and how we use these harder times to help us grow and learn.
Anyone can go through a heartbreak, or a job change, or the loss of a friend, or even all three all at once like me, and come out stronger. And it's okay to hurt for a bit, it's okay to cry and more importantly, it's okay to not be okay. And if this experience has taught me anything, it's that it's okay to lean on people when you need help, and it's okay to not be happy and cheerful every second of everyday.
Everybody hurts, and everybody has their own battles that no one knows they're fighting. So if you can learn anything from reading about what I have been going through these past couple months, just know that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be hurt, and it's okay to not be happy all the time. And most importantly, be kind to everyone-- because you never know what other people are going through, and even the people who seem the most happy, can be hurting just as badly. So be present, be kind, and smile. And like the wonderful Luke Combs once said, "what don't kill you makes you stronger."
Things will get better, they always do, I promise.
