Flashback to 2010. I was starting a new school. As any person, all I wanted to do was make a good first impression and make friends. The second day of school, a girl (who later became a close friend) looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I can’t believe you’re actually talking to me. The first day of school, you seemed so standoffish, and you couldn’t even look anyone in the eye. I thought you were too good for me.”
I was shocked. Everyone who knows me knows I’m not like that at all…it just takes me longer than the average person to feel comfortable in certain situations. This wasn’t the first or last time someone made that comment about me, and I wasn’t shocked that I received it. My “standoffishness” stems from anxiety.
Anxiety is unique to each individual who has to struggle with it on a daily basis, so I can’t speak for everyone as I begin to describe mine. My anxiety conjures feelings of nervousness, apprehension, and unease. It is usually triggered by foreign, new, or uncomfortable situations. I will start to overthink all the worst possible outcomes, and freak out.
I’ve never been the type of person that is completely confident or fearless going into something new. I’m hesitant, with fear that I could possibly mess up or do wrong. Sometimes, I think my opinions aren’t welcome, so I don’t bother speaking up. This can cause me stress, and my way of dealing with that is to shut down. I just need a little more time to warm up to something.
If I’m quiet or I look disinterested, that’s just my body reacting to some inner turmoil going on inside me. It’s not anything that’s making me angry, and no, I don’t hate you. I’m literally going through a mental struggle and it’s hard.
Luckily, I’m not this way all the time. When I’m in my element and comfortable, I can properly function like a normal human being. Please don’t take my off-putting behaviors too personally because it’s not you, it’s my anxiety.
