It's never been easy being me. From the time I was a kid, dealing with a lousy temper, a foul mouth, a difficult personality, an alcoholic mother, a critical, insulting and degrading father and having a grandmother raise us because my mom was too drunk and my dad was never home, it's never been easy being me. Now don't get me wrong. I didn't have a "horrible" childhood. I wasn't spanked and beaten like some of my friends were by their parents. I just dealt with a mom who was drunk more than she was sober. I dealt with a father who insulted us, criticized us, always degraded our choices as kids and even into our adult life; everything we did was never good enough for him. We couldn't ever satisfy what he wanted. It's not easy being me, but I'm not going to change who I am for anyone.

As I grew up, I dealt with a lot of things that other kids did. My childhood was as difficult as others, easier than others and harder than a lot of kids. But as I got older, I learned to deal with things on my own. i didn't always make the right decisions. I learned as I grew older that my father was never going to be happy with any of his children no matter what we did. If we weren't like him, we weren't ever going to be good enough. But I decided years ago that while it's not easy being me, I'm not going to change who I am for anyone. Even to this day. I haven't spoken to him in nine years. I don't miss him because I'm not going to be that person. I'm not going to change who I am for anyone. It may not always work in my favor, but it's who I am. What you see is what you get; I'm not some hypocritical Christian, I'm not a bully, I'm not two-faced and I'm not fake.

As I got older, I started realizing that I was going to make mistakes, I was going to make my own decisions and screw up and I'd have to take responsibility for my actions. I'm not perfect. I never have been and I never will be, but I learned one valuable lesson: I'm not going to change who I am for anyone. It's the reason I can easily walk away from friendships that are fake. It's the reason I've quit going to two dozen churches in my life. It's the reason I can stop texting people, stop answering phone calls, stop pretending to actually want to talk to someone and I can stop pretending to actually want people in my life. I'm going to do what I'm going to do.

As I got older, I realized I had a temper, a foul mouth and a unique personality. I used to be a pain in the ass and I liked to mouth off; that hasn't changed. I try to be nice to people but a lot of people simply don't deserve my kindness. It's a fact of life and I'm not going to do it. I've dealt with hypocrites my entire life. I've dealt with two-faced Christians my entire life. I've dealt with people who pretend to be my friend and stop associating with me as soon as I stop going to their church, having the same beliefs, acting like they do and pretending to be holy. But I'm not changing for anyone, which means I'll continue losing friends and I won't talk to my family again. But quite honestly, I really don't care. Because one day when I die, I'm going to look back and know I didn't conform, lie or change who I am to fit in with anyone's bullshit.

I deal with depression. There, I said it. I deal with mental illness. There, I said it. Hell, I deal with a lot. I've made stupid decisions. I've made lousy choices. I've walked away from friendships. I've walked away from relationships. I've walked away from my family. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who can't accept me can kiss my ass; they can find the door and never look back. I know I've already done that to dozens and dozens of people through the years. I'm absolutely certain I'm going to continue to do it. I have a father I will never talk to again. I have a brother I most likely won't talk to again. I have a sister who I couldn't give a damn about. I won't change who I am just to talk to any of them or get along with any of them or confirm with what they want. That's not me.

It's not easy being me, but I'm not going to change who I am for anyone.

My attitude may not always work, but at least I can look myself in the mirror and know I'm not a two-faced fake; I couldn't sleep at night if I was a hypocrite. There are enough of those people in the world, I'm not going to be one.

I deal with depression and being bipolar. There, I said it. You can run away screaming now. You can go hide somewhere, stop being my friend and never talk to me again. Hell, I've had it happen for the last 40 years of my life. Quite honestly, I don't give a damn. You'll be like a lot of people I've met at church. You'll be like a lot of people I've met at work. You'll be like a lot of people I've met in life. Fake. You'll be nice to me until you find out I'm not like you and I won't ever be like you, and then you'll stop talking to me. I'll be just fine. One day you'll be another memory on social media, someone I remember from years ago when you pop up in an old picture. I'll smile, remember the good times and laugh when I think about how you turned out.

But I can relax knowing I'll always have a half dozen good friends. I'll always have a solid family that will back me up. I'll always have my kids. I'll always have God, even when others who follow Him fail me miserably, lie and act like hypocrites. He's always there for me, so I call it good.

I won't change or conform; I'll continue being who I am. It's not easy being me. It's not easy being bipolar. It's not easy being depressed. It's not easy getting out of bed some days. It's not easy being around people who are fake. It's not easy dealing with what I do.

I've officiated thousands of games. I can't call more than a handful of those people friends. I've had guys that I worked with and who were friends with for eight or nine years stab me in the back, talk trash about me and lie to others about me, and I walked away from them too. I have people I won't and don't talk to anymore and I manage just fine. It's not easy being me, but I won't change who I am for anyone because at least I know I'm not a fake. What you see is what you get.

I've left friendships behind with people I've known 20 years. I'm not going to make an effort, always make the calls, always send the text message and not get a damn thing in return. A friendship is a two way street. If they don't make the effort and I quit? The friendship is over. I'll see an old picture one day years later and remember the times we had together. I'll smile and then I'll laugh because I never changed and they couldn't handle who I was so they left. And it's all just fine with me. They were a friend for the time they passed through my life.

I've given up on relationships with family members who I probably won't ever see again. And I can rest easy at night knowing I didn't bow down, suck up to them, change who I am or try to act like someone I'm not just to fit in. I still deal with the bipolar crap, the depression, the mental illness and I still have my days where I don't want to talk to anyone or leave the house.

It's not easy being me, but I won't change who I am for anyone. I'm sure there are people reading this who won't be a part of my life in the future - people I won't call anymore or text back because they only reached out when it was convenient for them or when they felt obligated to ask how I'm doing.

And then there are people who will read this and get angry. They will think that it's targeted towards them. I'm not angry. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm disappointed and severely let down because people want me to be someone I'm not. They want me to fit in, conform, change or be someone different. And it's not going to happen. It's not easy being me. I may wake up tomorrow depressed. I know I'll wake up tomorrow bipolar. I might wake up tomorrow in a great mood and for no reason get into a funk during the day and not want to leave the house. It happens.

Many of you won't be hearing from me again. You can stay on my social media. You can pretend to be "in" my life. But in reality, you are no different than hundreds of other people who have passed through my life. You are in my life, but it's likely you won't mean anything like you once did. I don't play games. I don't continue to try to maintain friendships when others don't make the same effort.

I wish people could accept me. I wish they would accept me. But once they find out I'm not going to do something or be someone different just to fit in, many people go the opposite direction. I don't hear from them. My phone doesn't ring. The text messages stop. I see their social media posts. They aren't too busy to call their church friends. They aren't too busy to hang out with their drinking buddies. They aren't too busy to do social stuff with people that they know from sports or officiating. And it's just fine with me. I will miss them on occasion, but I would rather be alone than surrounded by fake people.

It's not easy being me, but I'm not going to change for anyone, and I hope people reading this know that. If I see my social media numbers decrease, I'm going to know I pissed someone off. If I don't hear my phone ring like it used to, I'm going to realize the true friends stuck around and the fakes finally closed the door behind them.

And it's just fine with me. I'm not going to change who I am for anyone.It's not easy being me, but at the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror; what they think doesn't matter.

Whether you like it or not, this is my story and I'm sticking with it. If you don't like it? You know where the door is. Don't let it hit you on the ass on the way out.