I've always been a bookworm. On holidays and birthdays, Barnes and Noble gift cards, notebooks, pens, or books I wanted to read were the best presents ever (and they still are). There's something about reading these great stories that give me an exciting sensation. I like to picture these characters from these great stories as I'm being told the story. And there's nothing like that literary love affair with Kurt Vonnegut over the summer.

I was never a huge fan of movies. Why is that? Well, my brother's the movie person in the family. Anything to do with movies, he's all in. It's something I've always admired in him: finding something admirable about something I'm not a huge fan of.

While we both have a few favorite flicks in common, I get very picky on what I want to see. He's not as picky as I am, at least from what I can tell.

But on top of that, there's something I always ask about the films that aren't my cup of tea. Why should I watch people move around and go on adventures when I could do that sort of thing myself?

But that's only the short answer. The long answer, as always, goes a little deeper.

To begin with, when I do agree to go to the movies with my family, I tend to feel a little self-conscious at times.

Reason being, I get the indication that movies make me feel too much. When I saw "Moana" with my dad, I gasped when the grandmother was dying (Oh, spoiler alert, that does happen). My dad asked me if I was okay. I told him I was fine. After all, it was only a gut reaction. I knew many things about the movie, but not the grandmother dying. But it did get me thinking: So, I wasn't supposed to feel that way? What's wrong with me?

What's more, there was so much I wanted to say about the film after it was over. But I felt as though I couldn't because Dad didn't really feel the same way. We aren't exactly a Disney-centered family, but I wished I could say something. But there wouldn't be any point in saying anything if no one was going to care.

And that's what bugs me the most: I just don't belong in the family movie-watchers' club.

My dad and brother developed a tradition while watching trailers in the theaters. After one trailer ends, they give it the Siskel and Ebert treatment with their thumbs. The usual results are: thumbs up, thumbs down, or somewhere in the middle. They do this to tell each other which trailers look good and which movies look like they're worth seeing.

It's a nice concept, and whenever I go to the movies with them, I want to join in. So I do the exact same thing as them, but I feel as though they don't really notice I'm doing it with them. As much as I join in, nothing will change the fact that it's their tradition. It gives me the impression that my brother and dad are more movie experts than I am. And maybe that's true, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, though.

Not to be mean to my family, but I feel as though I'm supposed to be this bookworm and nothing else. There are times where I don't feel comfortable even when I should feel comfortable. It gives me the impression that when I go to the movies, I'll get too emotional, what I feel about trailers or story isn't as important as I think, and thus, I'm not really supposed to be there at all.

I like experience. I like feeling and emoting things. But what I don't like is restriction. I don't like hiding and concealing things.

I like to believe that movies, much like literature, music, art, etc., are expressions of human emotion and thought. I don't see any reason why I should not be feeling the way I feel when a certain scene is played or when a certain character does something. I don't see any reason to not get emotional when Moana discovers her ancestors while "We Know the Way" is being sung. It fills me with emotion that feels like everything all at once, and it's wonderful.

At least with TV and reading, I can emote, make jokes, criticize, and eat lots of goodies in the comfort of my own home. I don't have to feel self-conscious about what I'm feeling. I feel validated. I feel as though I'm in my element.

But if I want to get out of that little prime time island, I try to venture out. But it seems I do that only to retreat back. I wish I wasn't feeling that way, but I am. That's why when I go out to the movies, I always have that little voice inside me that says, "You know the drill. It's just a movie."

Maybe then I could feel like I'm supposed to be having this great time everyone else seems to be having. I could be like everyone else, including like my family. But in doing so, I'm just this small voice in a sea of loud noise. I feel like an outsider. I don't want to feel this way, but it just happens. It's more fun when I read about S. E. Hinton's Outsiders than it is to be one.

Would it be any wonder why I don't call myself a movie fan? It's not for me, and I don't know if it will be for me.