It’s the initial gasp of air and victory cry because you’ve made it; you’ve entered the world and you’re here. You’re alive and that’s worth making a scene over. It’s those first teetering steps, your mother’s velvety voice coaxing you on and you rushing towards her because you’ve never known a sweeter sound.
It’s your father’s calloused hands secured around your waist, promising not to let go as your tiny feet peddle as fast as they can. It’s the feeling of pure terror, and then another you don’t know- adrenaline, when you realize he let go anyway. And although you feel betrayed, you also feel amazing because you’re doing it. You’re riding a bike all by yourself when it seemed like an impossible, daunting task.
It’s the first day of school when you meet that girl with a crooked tooth and an even more crooked smile, but she asks you to sit with her on the large mat for story time. And you do, because something about her rosy cheeks and untamed orange hair makes you feel safe. You sit beside her in every class you can through elementary school, and you share handshakes and giggles and talk about which boys have the most cooties because you’re best friends. When she comes over your mom makes you snacks and you watch your favorites shows and build forts and sleepovers with her are your favorite because she’s the sister you never got and it’s so fun to have a sister.
It’s when middle school rolls around and suddenly everything is different. And suddenly the boys don’t have cooties anymore, which doesn’t make any sense. All of the sudden it’s cool to talk to the boys in ways that makes them sound like more than just your friend. And the other girls are growing, but they’re growing differently than you. They’re chests are getting rounder and their butts and thighs are filling out and everyone is paying them more attention. Your best friend looks different too. And she’s seemed to have forgotten that boys have cooties because by seventh grade she has a boyfriend and she hardly seems to have time for you because she’s too busy making out with him behind the bleachers at the football games. And you feel so small and confused because everyone is growing up so fast and you’re still trying to learn basic algebra and enjoy cartoons and building forts. And your sleepovers grow less common and when they happen, she only wants to talk about boys and she doesn’t understand why you want to talk about all the fun things going on in your imagination, or the cool thing you learned watching a documentary the other day. Suddenly your best friend doesn’t feel like your best friend anymore. But that’s okay, because she has a bunch of cool new friends and you get to hang out with all of them, and that should make you happy.
It’s your first day of freshman year. And your chest has finally started to protrude only to be counteracted by the fresh set of braces gracing your teeth. And you and your best friend are doing better now, because at least now you get that boys really don’t have cooties. In fact, they’re kind of cute. And high school is a whole new world because, in middle school ,sixth graders hardly talked to eighth graders, that was weird. But here, everyone talks to everyone. And your best friend is beautiful; her untamed orange hair now lays in lovely auburn curls framing her chest that came in at a noticeable C-cup, and her smile could be seen from miles away. It is only weeks before she’s dating a senior. You warn her he could be in it for the wrong reasons, but she doesn’t care because she’s in love. It’s the night she calls you crying because she did it, she gave it all to him and weeks later he left her for another senior because she was “too young” and it would’ve “never worked” out. It’s you holding her crumpled body on the bathroom floor of your house while your parents sleep, running your fingers through her hair and promising her it’s going to be okay even though you have no idea how to make it any better.
It’s the first party you go to. It’s discomfort because everyone is drinking, but you know it’s illegal and you shouldn’t. It’s your first relationship, one that goes up in flames quickly but makes you realize dating it fun, and why not enjoy yourself while you’re young. It’s football games. It’s cheering on your team until you’re breathless even when you’re down by twenty points because it feels so good to be part of something so much bigger than you. It’s that boy. It’s his smile, and his eyes, and the way he calls you love and makes you feel like you’re riding a bike all by yourself again because he fills you with adrenaline. It’s senior year. It’s all the nights you sneak home late because you’re out with him. It’s your first sip of alcohol with your two best girlfriends because why not cut loose and enjoy it while you can? Everyone is leaving and going to college soon and nothing will be the same. It’s singing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs parked in abandoned parking lots with the people who have become so engraved in your heart you cannot imagine life without them.
It’s the summer before your first year of college when that boy who’s been making your heart race for years is finally yours. It’s the night you decide you want him to be your first. Its months later and you’re in college. You’re meeting new, amazing people and you cannot believe how wonderful it is to be on your own. It’s the stress of staying up until 5:00 am just to finish one project and the satisfaction of getting a great grade. It’s the misery you feel when you’re up on the phone until 5:00 am fighting with him. It’s the sinking feeling in your stomach when after years and years of trying to make it work he tells you he just can’t do it. And you beg and you plead for him to stay and you want to throw up. You hug and toilet and you’re sobbing so violently you’re sure everything inside of you will come up but nothing does and you cannot fathom how something can hurt so bad. You can feel your heart being ripped into pieces, and you gave him everything just for him to leave you and you know you will never be the same again. And for months and months you are lost. You don’t know who you are or how to function without him. You’re sure you’re heart will never stop aching.
It’s one of the most dreaded words in the English language, and one you’re so tired of hearing it. Cancer. It’s the heart-wrenching agony of watching a loved one fight a battle with false hope. It’s thinking they can beat it, they’re so close. Only to have that hope ripped away. It’s watching them lay in a bed and seeing the life drain out of them day by day. It’s telling someone you love it’s okay to stop fighting, because you know they want to keep fighting for you, even though they can’t anymore.
But it’s also the look on his face when you walk down the aisle and you know you have found someone who promises to hold and cherish your heart forever. It’s the smile tugging on your lips whenever your favorite song comes on the radio and you can’t help but sing it at the top of your lungs. It’s seeing a cute animal and stopping to pet it, or enjoying a good book curled up in bed with a cup of your favorite tea. It’s the feeling of accomplishment when you work so hard and you get that new job, or that promotion. It’s the love you feel when surrounded by your family and friends, the people who will be there for you no matter what.
It’s life, and it’s happening. So get out there and experience it, all of it. Fully.
