So here's the thing about love, it is one of the best things you will feel in the world, ever. Love is also one of the scariest things to feel, that is if you're anything like me. If you're a huge risk taker and have no fear of the fall, the let down, the pieces to pick up afterwards, then you can probably disregard this whole article, but if you've ever been broke, then you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

The truth is, I had a rough childhood. I had many, many people walk into my life and manipulate or hurt me and just walk out. The only two people that have ever really been consistent in my life are my mom and brother, and for that I am eternally grateful. They mean the world to me. On the other hand my own father walked out when I was 3, I owe much thanks to drugs on that one, and unfaithfulness. The only other man I ever accepted as a father after that walked out when I was 8, again, thanks drugs... and alcohol and that wonderful unfaithfulness. Then came another. It took years for me to even be around him without seeing red, but he tried to be a father figure, but of course here comes unfaithfulness creeping in and goodbye once again at 18 years old.

Needless to say I became a natural pro at building walls, locking people out, keeping my feelings to myself, and being cold to the world. Until one day, my world got flipped upside down.

Now let's rewind, the unspeakable happened to me, more than once, from more than one person. Think of the unspeakable as what you want, that's something a little to personal to share, but it changed me. I felt used, abused, undesirable, and unwanted. I was insecure and felt like no one would ever want me. Fast forward to January 2015. I had just turned 18, was finally able to get tattoos, piercings, go to clubs, I was legal. How awesome, but at the end of the day I still went home. I still cried. I still fought depression and anxiety everyday. I still only wanted someone to make me feel desirable and loved. I wanted just once for someone to walk in my life and stay.
February 2015 I met a man. I was newly 18 and he was 27. He was also married. But he told a good tale. He made a wonderfully spun web of lies filled with, a mean, cheating wife, soon to come divorce, unhappy, nothing to live for, anything that could play on my emotions, he held back nothing. So not only was someone showing interest in me, but my heart strings were also being pulled. So here I am 18 and insecure and finally someone shows serious interest in me. I'm sold. Of course I kept a wall up for a while, but then that divorce did come and we ended up together for real, and everything happened so fast. I remember the night I felt my walls crumble down. We were in his camaro blazing down roads, and I looked at him and could see everything I wanted sitting beside me. Before I even realized I had opened my mouth, the words "I love you" had spilled out. Of course he didn't say it back, but I got the "I just want to take things slow." I could understand that and I explained to him that I didn't want him to say it until he felt it, but that I already felt it and just wanted him to know. Then, sitting there in silence, it took everything in me to fight back the tears. I realized my walls were gone, I was vulnerably wide open, and I was scared shitless. I was entirely in his hands, and he knew that too. I opened up to him completely, told him my deepest secrets, my insecurities, my weaknesses, everything. In my mind I was building my future, I was creating a strong relationship with my future husband. After all, there should be no secrets between husband and wife, right? So why not get started right away and grow stronger day by day. A year flew by before I had even blinked. Then I noticed things changing. He grew distant, cold, and so mean. He would use my weaknesses against me. He knew exactly where to hit me because he knew where the hits would hurt me worst. I was already so accustomed to the mental abuse from the rest of my life that this was nothing new. Crying myself to sleep every night due to someone's hurtful words, it was all to familiar, and we all know familiar is comfortable so why does it matter? I will never forget the night he told me I had "too much baggage" because of the unspeakable things that were done to me when I was only 5 years old. I cried and cried and cried until I finally fell asleep from exhaustion due to my hyperventilation and crying so long. And it only got worse from there. I couldn't understand what had went so wrong. Day in and day out I bent over backwards to make this man happy, I morphed my life to fit his expectations, I changed so much to the point of being unrecognizable. I wasn't even myself anymore. Then the truth came out. I was being cheated on. That unfaithfulness that had creeped up and ripped my life apart time and time again had made its appearance. My world shattered. I knew I had to leave him, but I couldn't. He was the only man I had ever let in, the only man I had ever loved, the only man I had ever truly confided in. So I forgave him. I fell for his words of forgiveness and his promises to never do it again. Then he cheated again followed with my forgiveness, and then again. The third time was when I finally decided to walk away. That was when I told myself that he was never going to change, he never loved me, and whether I deserved better or not I would rather learn to be happy alone than be mentally tortured every day with the wondering of which female he would have on the side that week.

The next two weeks were filled with a deep depression. I hardly ate and dropped ten pounds. I'm not a heavy set girl so 10 pounds were a big difference. I racked my brain every second of every day trying to figure out why I wasn't enough. I was completely and totally shattered with no one to pick up the pieces but myself. Then I started my new job, so I had no choice but to drag myself out of bed, put on my big girl pants, and fake a smile for the next 12 hours of each day.

One day I finally looked myself in the mirror and realized I had no clue who the girl was looking back at me. I realized that I had been unhappy for far too long. I saw how strong of a person I actually was. I mean looking back at everything that had happened to me, and I'm still here. I'm still alive. And I'm still a functional member of society. So I started working at being happy every day. I pushed myself to be strong, happy, and move forward. I focused on all that I had to offer the world and pushed everything that he made me believe was wrong with me to the back of my mind to the darkest parts that I try not to explore. Suddenly things were looking up. I was 19, I had my own apartment, I finally had my dream job, and I was pursuing all the things I wanted in life with nothing holding me back.

So in all reality, love with the wrong person is horrible. It's one sided, it's ugly, and it destroys. But it taught me an important lesson, one that seems simple and we've all been told time and time again, one that I never took heed to until I learned the hard way. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Now I don't mean have a main man and a side man and a back up plan, God knows I'm not a supporter of cheating by any means. I mean, don't put all of you into one person. Save some of yourself for yourself. Take time to build your relationship, but also take time to build yourself. Never fail to remember that in the end you are the ONLY person that will ALWAYS be there. People die, people walk away, but you are there to stay. So be strong, be courageous, be unique, be confident, and FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. Make sure that you know if all else fails, you can make it on your own. Be independent. Be so sure of yourself that when a man walks up he knows that you don't need him. If you want him, let him know, but be sure he knows you can make it without him if he starts holding you back.

Love is beautiful, but it can also destroy. Don't be the girl that let's love ruin her. Be the girl that takes it by the reigns and says "I'm in control." And yes, you will have bad days, I still have mine. But the good days outweighs that by far. Praise God, I am on the other side. If you're still in the blood and tear drawing battle to the other side, look up my dear. Don't take your eyes off the light. It's there, and as long as you don't give up you'll make it there and be so glad you did. Stay strong and stay beautiful, love.