"I'm just outside before this burning house. The flames go down, but no one makes it out. I'm terrified cause I've lost my fear of doubt, but the war is over now..."

Some nights get so dark. The nights you're face is so vivid. I'm spiraling & I can feel it taking over me. There is no way to shake you out of my mind these days. I'm sinking quicker with time. I can't push you out of my brain. You're stuck there. I want you to leave. When I would push you'd go so effortlessly. Is this selfish? I know it is, but I feel like I can't live through these nights of darkness. It is overpowering. So strong, I am sinking with every wave that comes over me as I try to swim. I can't remember anything but the way you would say, "Em?" right before you'd ask me a question.

Here come the tears. They're flooding over my lashes & racing down my cheeks.

The funeral. Here come the memories of saying 'goodbye' to your corpse. Wrapping my arms around my older sister and physically tearing her off because she wouldn't let you go. We closed you up & I remember feeling regret.

Regret of time not spent? Regret of not letting my tears fall then? Regret that it wasn't me instead.

Seeing the emptiness in my dad's eyes. I can never forget that. My mother trying to be strong for him. Knowing I needed to step up. No tears. Be better. Be stronger, like them. I'm so sorry dad, for not being more. Every day I wish I could give you back your boys. I know how dead you are inside. I can feel it in your energy when I'm around you. Your mind aches for answers when you let it, but that immediately is halted. You are like me. You can't stand to think of it too much. Too much depth would destroy people like us.

I know there is LOVE still in my family & I am so incredibly grateful every day for that. It's different though. It feels dull. Like our hearts are at rest. We can't let any more out or we will come crashing down so hard no one will be able to pick us up. One tiny push & it will all be over. Never will we be able to stand on our own two legs without a crutch. If it doesn't fall into order now. That's why I am thankful I am the youngest. If we go back to a normal way of death I will experience it all, unfortunately. I can push all the pain away. I will love simply. I won't feel much inside because there won't even be a sign a heart once existed in my chest. I will play the role I know I could have been good at in another life. At the end of every day, it will all just be acting because I will be the only one that knows I died inside a long time ago.

"Hold me down in the river, take my breath away"