If you’ve ever led a group project for a class or been in charge of a team at work, you’ve most likely had the pleasure of experiencing conflict. Even if you haven’t been the leader, odds are you’ve been involved or have seen conflict play out in a group setting. Conflict tends to create an awkward situation where those watching feel they shouldn’t be present or they feel the need to take a side. The thing is, conflict isn’t always bad.

Up until the last few years I thought there was only a negative side of conflict. I saw friendships destroyed and families hurt because of strong disagreements. Thankfully, I was wrong, and there is a good side of conflict.

One of my favorite professors loved to talk about conflict. He would create scenarios in class where there was bound to be an issue. His point was to help guide us toward discovering how to take action because of good reasoning, instead of bad. He noted that good conflict consists of disagreements based on data and rationale, whereas bad conflict is based on personality and opinion.

Bad conflict tends to lead to long lasting issues between business partners, family members, friends, etc. because it’s not based on an objective standard. When we come from a perspective that is subjective, we have only ourselves and our experiences to back us up, unfortunately this is not typically enough for those with whom we disagree- they want hard facts and sound reasoning behind your statements. Opinions can be helpful when someone is asking for them, but not when someone wants to resolves an issue.

In a sense, coming into a disagreement with your argument based on subjective information is like using Wikipedia as a source on a research paper.

We all like harmony. It’s that point in any team project or family gathering where no one is disagreeing on an issue. Patrick Lencioni, in his book “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team”, notes that harmony is good thing, but can only be achieved by working through conflict at some point. Artificial harmony (when everyone pretends there aren’t any issues currently taking place) hurts those involved because the underlying issues are not resolved. When issues are not dealt with, gossip occurs and the issues spread. When we work through a problem and use trusted information to guide our discussion and solution, we are able to stay away from hurting other people and damaging relationships.

If you’re part of a team, try to engage in the discussions, but use proven facts or shared experiences to guide your contributions. If you’re the leader of the group, challenge the team to come prepared to work toward a solution using data and sound rationale, and then hold them to that standard. If you’re part of a family interaction, don’t attack the family member when working through a disagreement; be kind, listen, and do your best to find an objective source of information on the topic.

I believe we should love others. It’s a great way to live and I encourage you to love those around you. I think we can agree that loving other people requires us to learn more about them and what they appreciate, but it also is a call for us to challenge them to become a better person. This is practical conflict, good for both parties. As you go forward throughout your day, don’t let a fear of an awkward situation keep you from addressing any questions or concerns you have with others. Deal with issues sooner, don’t let them become deep-rooted.

Not all conflict is bad; it’s when we base our arguments on opinions and personality that we go from discussing an issue to attacking a person. If you want harmony in your relationships, learn to participate in good conflict.