Being away at college, much of my life updates to you all residing in varying states come through social media. So, I apologize. I apologize for the quiet.

The quiet has not been one with underlying purposefulness. Instead, the battle suppressed the usual noise and interaction-- the battle being anxiety and depression. Yep, you heard that right. Something besides strengths and accomplishments are being posted on social media, surely not with ease.

So, it has been awhile. I will just jump right in.

Many of you know, ninety-five percent of my friends are middle-aged adults, most with families. Last February, one of my best friends passed away. John was not only a tremendous role model, but a best friend and source of genuinity and of course, unexpected humor. John’s unforeseen passing tore me. I am not talking a nick on the finger from chopping vegetables, but instead, a wound that ripped me apart and shook me to the core. The first time sorting out death as an adult, my life came to a halt. Wake up, get dressed, go to school, take a nap, do homework, sleep, repeat. That is what life became. You may have recognized eating was left out of the cycle. This is not accidental. My anxiety and depression raged through my life like California wildfires-- unstoppable and so undesired. I could no longer hold down food, let alone ride in the car without vomiting. Changing the plans of staying in Grand Rapids for Summer 2017, I decided I needed to go home and figure things out. Home for a month, besides a superb support system surrounding me, nothing changed besides I could hold down some crackers and bread. I went back to Grand Rapids and returned to my nannying job. Despite so much good, anxiety and depression were still the ruler.

Anxiety and depression stole my dream internship. They boggled the minds of my loved ones who put their all into understanding what this battle consisted of. They snatched away friendships. They corrupted all progress made regarding self-image. They locked the door to my room and my heart day after day. They snagged moments of joy and grated them into tidbits of faded memories.

Life keeps moving, but these two abductors force life to stand still. Quite honestly, I can barely remember July to September. Looking back, I wish I could have glanced up more often because so many neat things were happening around me; however, this is the devastation of anxiety and depression. Life becomes focused on internal matters only. Emotions wrap you up in one of those blankets with impassable buckles and straps that magicians try to escape from. In the midst of it, the little strength exerted to attempt to break away seems like a waste; the buckles never budge.

So for those of you that are reading this because you have not heard from me in quite some time, I am sorry we fell out of touch. The straps were too tight, holding me captive with no give. Chances are, you were one of the people who the abductors told me you hated me, I was not good enough to be in your company, I would never be accepted by you again, even that you never wanted to be in my company in the first place. Good news though, my heart has begun to breakthrough the bondage. Trust me, I did not forget about you.

And for those of you who have been in contact with me and this is coming as a shock to you, I was not hiding the battle. The battle was hiding me. Words seem insufficient to explain the cell anxiety and depression hoards one in. I ask you, do not hold anger in your heart. If I could have told you, I would have.

I ask you now, have you ever attempted to walk barefoot up an icy mountain with a close-to-vertical slope? I have. Each day the bitter cold of my feet and hands scream at me to slide down to the bottom and give up. Although it may take a lifetime, the bitterness of anxiety and depression will not win. Some days the wind blows hard and my limbs give way leading to a slip, but not a very lengthy one. On the days the sun peeks through, hope is instilled, overpowering the frigid atmosphere fighting to snag my little victories. However, this strength is not my own. Jesus rules over Satan. You may say, “it’s not that simple.” Brothers and sisters, it is. I said it was simple, not easy. The battle has been won. Living in and leaning into the victory of Jesus is the biggest challenge you will ever face-- guaranteed. Many believe the Father only resides at the top of that icy mountain. Good news: your Maker, your Comforter, your Ultimate Cheerleader, your Father, the absolute best Listener, is with you at the bottom and the top. Do not fold. Take hold of the victory already won.

Sidenote: I left out some parts of the story. The above is what my mind loves to reflect on. The anxiety and depression find some real joy in reverting back to all it has tainted. Therefore, I must intentionally take time to ruminate on the goodness of God. The morning John passed away, I had already been planning on attending the second day of a two-day worship and prayer conference. I woke up around 6am to get ready for the day, but I hit the snooze button a few times. In between alarms, I received half a dozen calls from fellow Vineyard Church attenders who were near to my heart. My sleepy-eyed self did not put two and two together until I hopped out of bed at 6:20am and fearfully realized this string of calls was no coincidence. I called back one of my dear friends and within ten seconds of the start of the call, I was on my knees in the stairwell of my dorm, eyes streaming with more tears than I ever thought could be produced. The ocean of sorrow plopped onto the step I was leaning over in attempt to catch my breath. The call ended and the world was literally spinning around me. Quite honestly, I wanted to hate God in that moment so bad, yet God proved He is sovereign in this moment. I had just spent the entire previous day in worship, literally crying out tears of praise. In order to understand more fully the character of God, He himself planned a day for me to dig deep into His presence just the day before my life would be skidded off its foundation. The goodness of God does not end here. The day of John’s passing, I had an entire day to cry out to Him in worship and prayer surrounded by hundreds of brothers and sisters in Him. It would have been easy to stay in my room the whole day after the news was unveiled; however, I knew undoubtedly God had planned this perfectly. If it was John’s day to be with his Best Friend, God knew I would be in desperate need of some comfort. Once again, God provided.

Now this does not mean that my life was shook any less, but it does mean that through it all, I knew who reigned. Continuing on with God’s neatness, He gave me comfort through a brother in Christ. In March, He planted Mitch Dienst in my life. I promise, this will be no sappy account of our love story. However, I must say, Mitch and I have one heck of a love story packed with God’s graciousness. Mitch became a companion who knew what I was going through from experience. Not only could he relate, but he was a source of the Gospel when my faith was lacking. Any hour of any day, this man lifted me up. We began dating in June and no matter how much depression and anxiety attempted to pull me away from relationships, Mitch pulled (and continues to pull) right back. He has been here through the daily battles. Even when words were insufficient to explain what was happening inside me, he sat in the quiet with me. What a blessing this man has been and continues to be each and every day.

Furthermore, in late March, I was selected by Calvin College to go to Los Angeles with six other students for a prayer conference. As the leader of the on-campus prayer team since freshman year, I was honored to have been selected for this opportunity. Even with this joy, little did I know what God had in store for these four days. Not only did some tight friendships form with the other students on this trip, but the Spirit was so present. Consistent with having more adult friends, I decided that after the first day of the conference, I would sit and engage with complete strangers. Looking back, this must have been God. People with speech impediments have a fear of strangers. This attempt was out of character-- just another sign of God’s sovereignty. So on the second day, we showed up to the host church, I shared my plan with a fellow student, and we prayed together for God to reveal who He longed for us to connect with. We walked into the filled-to-the-brim sanctuary and stood in the back in prayer. There was an older couple who God glued my eyes to. I pointed them out to my friend and he gave me a shocked look. I asked what the look was for and with much prying, he said he had met them earlier and they were not very friendly. My mind gave a sarcastic “Perfect.” to God. Despite this, I walked up to them, shaking a bit, and said something like “Hi. My name is Lexi. I’m here with Calvin College. I was praying over who to sit with and I felt God said I should sit with you.” The couple’s response, a blank stare and an awkward move to the next seat to make room for me. All I could think was “I definitely interpreted God wrong this time.” Long long long story short, these people became immense blessings to me. In a time of small group prayer, we bonded through tears and prophecy. God-given relationships continued forming with others at the conference. By the end of the four days, five people who did not know each other told me they felt that God was telling them I will be a speaker or pastor someday. Honestly, I may have tried to blow this off due to fear if it was not for my goal coming into the conference. At this time, I was struggling immensely with self-image and my stuttering. I literally could not stop crying when it was time to say goodbye. The students from Calvin sat on the roof deck of the church to debrief before we caught our flight back home and I remember not being able to even speak because I was so overwhelmed with the Spirit and the way God had just spoke to me. Once again, there was an ocean of tear beneath my feet. In sum, God provides. God speaks.

Throughout the rest of the year, God continued to throw in these incredible moments of closeness with Him. They often got overpowered by my inner battle, yet looking back now, they provide me with strength for continued healing.

You may have noticed, I write about these two abductors in the past tense, but the battles are ongoing. However, I will continue to rise with the strength of God and the support He provides me here on earth. Do not get me wrong, I still struggle every single day with why the only physical thing I have left of John is a devotional book he gave me one summer night. The sting of death here on earth is stifling. Death’s sidekick, depression, continues to seep its way in through the cracks, reversing the healing process. However, neither can steal the victory already won for me. Speech impediments, depression, anxiety, mistakes-- none have rule. Instead, Jesus is the one who catches my slips on the icy ground. He reaches into the darkness and stirs my soul in praise, peace, and comfort. Through it all, Jesus is constant.

To conclude this lengthy piece, thank you to those who have not only read this whole thing, but has also stuck with me. January is a month for intentional healing in my life. I have not quite processed the above fully, yet you all, along with my Lord, give me the courage to pursue restoration. Lastly, to those of you who are reading this and find you are relating all to well to the pain I have explained, reach out. I am here always, and even if it does not seem like it, people around you are there for you. I promise, the battle let’s up. I encourage you to seek and discover the only lasting strength: The Lord. He speaks. He provides. Guaranteed.