If you’ve ever said “It’s all my fault” in a relationship, is it really a healthy relationship for you? Not all abuse experienced in a relationship is physical. Abuse can be emotional and mental. If you’ve ever found yourself constantly apologizing for things you’ve done or your partner has done, then you’re probably falling victim. If you’ve ever found yourself constantly making excuses or blaming yourself for your partner’s actions, then you’re probably falling victim. Emotional abuse can be when your partner yells or swears using emotional bullying. Sometimes it can include your partner giving you the “silent treatment” to control you or denying things they’ve said to you or things they have done to you. “I don’t know what you are talking about,” and “I never said that,” these are red flags that your partner might be emotionally abusing you. Emotional abuse and mental abuse is just as bad and hurtful as physical abuse.
Coming out of a three and a half month relationship even after weeks of being apart, I still blame myself, and I still feel like the failure of the relationship is my fault. I have to constantly remind myself, that it isn’t. Yeah sometimes I over-reacted, I got too emotional, and I compared myself to all the other women who had been in his life, but that comes with all relationships at one point or another. Relationship failures should never be put on anyone to blame. If they don’t work out, they just don’t work out. I was constantly walking on egg-shells and having to watch every word I said so I wouldn’t make him mad. So he wouldn’t blow up and yell at me for the next 15 minutes and then make me feel bad the rest of the day, by giving me the silent treatment or making little comments here and there that were derogatory. When we were with our friends, I was constantly being embarrassed and hurt by things he would say to me in front of them. Eventually he would try driving a wedge between me and my friends, by telling me all the things they had done to him or reasons he didn’t like them and he didn’t understand why I was friends with them. The same thing even started happening with my family, who he had never even met. When we got into arguments, there was no standing up for myself, instead I would apologize when he did get mad but would get responses like “Good, you should be upset”. Getting responses like that should never be okay in a relationship, and one should never make excuses for it. One thing that made him absolutely upset, was if I asked him questions. Most of the time if I questioned something he had said or something that had happened, he would get very defensive and turn it around on me and say I didn't trust him, no matter how many times I told him I did. Sometimes if he got mad over a text I sent him, there would be radio silence. Instead of talking it out, it was just me blowing up his phone with apologies and I love you’s. However these apologies didn’t make anything better, instead added fuel to his fire to be madder at me. Instead of talking things out, instead of putting aside the anger, there were plenty of nights I only went to sleep after crying out all my tears. There were nights where I wondered if the suffering would ever be over, if I would ever be able to get back the parts of me I gave to him. He never understood why I was upset, he never saw that he was doing anything wrong. But that’s because I let him.
I was in love. He had done a few things right. In the beginning he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. We talked about our dreams and our passions. We spent countless of moments just enjoying each other’s company. Getting to see him would be the highlight of my day. I had fallen so in love that no matter what he did to me or what things he said to me, I always excused his behavior and blamed myself. I kept wishing we could go back to the beginning of the relationship, where it was all laughs and happiness. I kept wondering how we spiraled down so far. My friends and family kept telling me to leave, to move on. They kept telling me this wasn’t healthy for me, and I was falling victim. I didn’t listen. Finally when I was so broken down, had enough, I tried to leave him in the past. I blamed the break up on myself. However he apologized, he talked to me instead of yelling. He started being sweet again and telling me everything I wanted to hear. I fell for it, and we were right back where it started. The first couple days were good, all laughs and fun times. But then came the anger and the manipulation. It ended up with me driving an hour and half to see him, but he wanted nothing to do with me. I wanted out but I didn’t want him gone. I felt the same as I did before, but his feelings had changed. Even though I still wanted to be friends because I still care, he has blocked me out of his life. Things don’t happen the way we think they will, and usually never end the way we want. But sometimes it’s because it’s better for us. I will always love him, I will always care about him, and that’s okay. I just have to realize that I have to leave everything else in the past.
If you are in a relationship with someone, listen to the people around you. If your friends and family keep telling you over and over this is someone you shouldn’t be with, take that advice! Step back from the relationship and really look at what is going on. Are you constantly apologizing for your or your partner’s actions? Are you constantly blaming yourself for being ‘crazy’? Are you constantly wondering what you did wrong? Do you have to blow up their phone so they’ll talk to you? Do you constantly worry if your partner is okay or upset? Do you constantly feel as if you aren’t good enough for them no matter how hard you try, or no matter what you do? Are you constantly feeling put down by things they say to you? Do the bad things outweigh the good things? If any of these things is present in your relationship, you may be falling victim to emotional and mental abuse, from a manipulator. Many people do not realize that they do this to people they are in a relationship with, but if this is happening to you, don’t let it continue! Do not stay if every day you are wearing yourself out. You don’t have to have the best self-esteem to love yourself and take care of yourself. Right now you think you need them in your life, you don’t see a life without them there, but that’s only because it’s what they’ve made you believe. Soon you will realize everything will start to get better once you are no longer in a relationship with them.
To anyone who is reading this, we are all human, we all make mistakes, and loving yourself triumphs all. Even if you make a mistake, love yourself! You can still love the other person, but don’t let that be the reason you continue to get hurt. When you do pull away, that person is going to try and rope you back in. They’ll use phrases like “I’m sorry, it’s all my fault”, “I love you”, “I want to be with you”, but do not fall for it! They’ll get upset, they’ll throw themselves a pity party and try to make you feel bad for them, but do not fall for it! Everyday there are people out there just like you, being abused by their partner, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Do not add to that number. Being by yourself as yourself, is a lot better than being with someone and not knowing who you are anymore. If you or someone you know is falling victim to abuse, please get help or encourage them to get help. Talking to someone is way better than letting this continue. Asking for help to get out of a bad relationship is not a bad thing, it's taking care of yourself which should always be a priority. There is an unlimited amount of resources out there for victims, below are two out of thousands.
This website will give you more details and more sign of emotional abuse.
If you want to call and talk to someone, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is always open at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
It’s never too late to ask for help.
You are a human being, beautiful and meant for great things on this earth. Love yourself and take care of yourself because you only get one life. This one life is too short to waste on not being happy, and not having the time of your life. Love all, but love yourself first.
