Ithaca College President Tom Rochon announced at a Thursday faculty meeting that the administration is developing new ways to “suck enormous amounts of cash” from students. These new methods include putting change suckers in the showers and toilets, making students pay for heating/cooling per hour in the residence halls (charging extra in the winter) and charging for laundry services.
The new measures were readily approved by the Board and the deans, who enthusiastically supported the measure. Dean Wilma Salope of the Business School said, "These new measures are exactly what the college needs to preserve the economic vitality of the College.” Board member Ryan von Douchë affirmed the measures as a “genius way to help build IC’s brand in the world of squeezing every dollar they can out of students.”
However, many students saw the measures as another sign that Rochon is out of touch with the student body. Senior Bekka Noiré thinks that the measures prove Rochon’s fundamental privileges as a wealthily white man and emblematic of the patriarchal nature of our society. Freshman Bo Blue said he found the measures to be “whatever.” The Ithacan ran a story that complained about how much money Rochon makes every year.
Professor Jon Bluntmoore, an associate professor of College Studies, has a different take. “Honestly, the new pay schemes seem to be another way for the school to pay for its enormous running costs such as maintaining the Fountains for roughly 1/5 of the year, paying the incredibly high student wages in the dining halls, and Tom Rochon’s giant golden boat shaped like a huge dollar sign he uses to occasionally peruse the lake like a 19th century whaler.”
Some students, however, are finding it hard to afford the new changes. Sophomore Jakob Richmond, and proud frat member, is literally selling body parts to this creepy guy he knows named Chad, who lives in the old furniture factory downtown. “It’s not that bad. I mean livers grow back. Right?” Freshman Julia Burgundy has taken to trapping small animals ever since she ran out of bonus bucks. “Raccoon isn’t that bad. You just add some spice, cook the blood as gravy, and bake it for a while. Then, bam! Tastes like chicken.” To avoid the new heating charges, Senior Bob Heater builds large bonfires in the common room of his Circle apartment. He circumvents Public Safety by claiming it was a kitchen fire.
In addition to these new programs, referred to as the “Sustainable Future Fund,” the school will step up Call - Athon to calling the families of dead alumni to gargle a few more dollars out of them. President Rochon has also been toying with the idea to allow students to punch him in the genitals for $10 a pop, according to a confidential source close to the President. The final step of the new plans involves accepting every prospective student that applies and turning the Library into a residence hall. The library portion will still remain. The only difference is that incoming freshman will be housed in the book stacks.
At the end of the meeting, one faculty member asked how the administration thought how the student body felt about the new changes. President Rochon smirked and responded, “Does it even really matter anymore?”
