"Somebody asked me if I knew you. A million memories flashed through my mind but I just smiled and said I used to." ~ Wiz Khalifa
Dear Ex-Best Friends,
I am sorry for us falling out of touch. I am sorry we don't talk on the phone every other night anymore. I am sorry the text messages stopped coming, and I regret causing you to walk away. After everything that happened, I need you to know one thing. It wasn't you; it was me. While this saying is a cliche, in this instance, it hits the nail on the head. You aren't the reason we stopped talking; you did nothing wrong. I was weak, I lacked self-confidence, and I couldn't support myself. I needed you to listen to my problems; I needed you to reassure me that I was pretty, smart, funny, and liked. I never once realized that maybe you had problems of your own to figure out. I never once thought about you.
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When you walked away, I blamed you. I cursed your name, wished you the worst, and tried never to look back. However, I never once reflected on what happened to us in a light that might show me the truth. I mean, who wants to realize that it was all their fault that the friendship went sour? I certainly didn't. Nevertheless, it happened, and no amount of apologies can change what occurred between us.
While we won't get an apartment together, we won't be in each other's weddings as rehearsed, and we won't have babies who will become best friends like us. Although, that would be ironic wouldn't it? The memories of our time together will always be treasured.
Even though we weren't friends forever as we dreamed, you taught me more than you will ever know. You taught me to not care about what other people think of you. You were my friend when no one else was. Even when being my friend meant you got caught up in the gossip which surrounded me. You taught me that even the most put together people have problems of their own. I always thought your life was pretty easy—it's easy to believe that your life is the hardest one, and everyone else's must be simple—but you showed me that while you looked all self-assured and level headed, underneath, you were just as troubled as I was. Most importantly, I learned how to be a real friend from you. You, supported me when I was having a hard time with my depression, made me laugh even when you felt like crying yourself, and implored me to reach outside my comfort zone even when I just wanted to hide away in my bed. You put me before all else until you just couldn't handle it any longer.
After all the tears I shed over the loss of our friendship, all the words said trying to convince myself that you were a horrible friend, and after all the nights I tried to forget the pain I felt after watching you walk away; I don't regret a single moment of our relationship. The lessons I learned from you and the friends I made in your absence were only possible because you left me to my own devices. I had to learn, to love myself, actually to love others. The tough love you showed me was the only way I learned what I was doing, to myself, to those around me.
We don't always understand why we have to lose the things we love most in our lives but in the end, everything happens for a reason. Yes, I know, no one wants to hear that dreaded phrase, but it's true. I couldn't grow into the person I am today while I continued to lean on you. I couldn't understand it at the time but now knowing what I do, I am so sorry for being upset with you because you couldn't stick around. To tell you the truth, I don't believe I could have stuck around for as long as you did. Someday, I hope we can be close again, that when you see me, you won't be cautious, you won't think of who I use to be, and all the pain I caused. Even though I know we can never go back to what we once were—we can never actually become best friends again—the memories shared between us will always be treasured.
Sincerely,
Your Forever Thankful Friend
