When push comes to shove, I'll push. I'll push you so hard that you'll question why you ever allowed me in your life. I'll say things that will hurt your heart. Things I know that'll break you, things that are never to be spoken. I'll push.

You see, my whole life it's what I've known, it's what I do. When I get overwhelmed, I push. I push people straight out of my life. I run. So fast and so far that I'll never come back. I run because that invasion of personal space scares me. I run because not being good enough anymore is my greatest fear. I run because I don't know how to stop.

Begging for anyone to stop me. Begging for someone to take me as I am. Begging for someone to stop me from running. Begging for a friend who could sing my hearts soul back to me, I found you.

You stopped me dead in my tracks and wanted to be my friend. For what reason I'll never know, but I'll be forever grateful. You were like a breath of fresh air that came storming into my life right when I needed it the most. Air that was as fresh as a child's first whiff of a summer's breeze. You were full of life in a way that words cannot describe. Equipped with the heart of a child and blue eyes that could pierce the souls of the soulless. The opposite of everything I was. The friendship came quick, quicker than I could run.

But you are selfish. Selfish in the way that destroys the hearts that loved you most. The opposite of every bit of who I was. I'm smooth with words. Selfless. I love with every inch of my soul, and if that's not enough, I love harder. When I run, I leave my heart behind with nothing unknown. Your friendship made me run.

You're selfish. Not in the ways that you don't care about anyone else, but in ways that can steal someone's air. You often forget that other people are affected by your actions.

You live for the moment. You see things in the most innocent way. Your spirit is lovable and everyone that meets you knows it. You are who you are and that's okay.

But when I run, you say things you don't mean because you know I'll say worse. You push me to extremes, knowing I'll push back. You take all the love and praise from someone, then you forget the things you did to earn that spot in their heart. You ruined me. You pushed me to the point of absolute self-hatred. Forget running. At this point, you taught me to sprint.

Your heart that I thought was pure was often confused and not worthy of the love you had been receiving. For it had only had you in mind. I think that's what breaks my heart the most. Is yours. Knowing your intentions were not to do so, unaware and unsure of yourself. But how does one stop running from someone who isn't ready to be themselves? Someone who isn't complete yet?

You weren't wrong, though -- neither was I. You see, my whole life I hadn't been good enough for myself, I hadn't loved myself and your whole life you had everything I wanted in life. Happiness, a whole happy family, the thrive for adventure. I expected your heart to beat when mine did and know what mine felt. That's not how this works. That's never how this works. You were my best friend. Not me.

Now the sprint hit full stride, so steady and fast. A sprint that hit a crack and made me face plant straight into my own reality. Of doom. Of heartache. Of all of my past that I couldn't face. I had to do it.

You stopped me from running and you taught me how to be. You did that by pushing me to run and refusing to leave when I did. You did everything I wanted and I hated it.

Everyone says it was toxic and unhealthy for both of us. Maybe they're right. But maybe I'm right. Maybe this all happened so I could be exactly who I am right in this moment at this exact time. Just maybe did I run into someone I can't escape. Someone whose heart doesn't beat to the same rhythm as mine but who understands mine. Who knows who I am at the end of the day.

So that's why I run and that's why I push because I know you'll be there because that's what best friends do. You pushed me to be happy, to be strong for myself, to not give up. All of the things I needed to be were there in front of me, and you gave me the opportunity to realize that, so thank you.

Thank you for telling me that I deserved happiness at the end of the day, no matter what. Thank you for showing me that I can walk beside you as my friend and not fully reliant on your heart. Because my heart was good enough on its own. Thank you for making me sprint, thank you for making me fall, but most importantly, thank you for teaching me that the ways of your selfish heart are what taught me to walk in the sun again. And walking in the sun is where I think I'll stay.

No more running, just walking.