it's me, it's me, it's always been me

WHO AM I

have you ever fallen asleep not knowing if you even want to wake up

or felt that crippling emptiness in the center of your chest

like someone stuck a tube into your heart and sucked your soul out your body

sometimes

my body wants to get up and do something

but my mind tells me i'm too comfortable to move

a voice in the back of my head worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong

and another that says i own the day.

am i just being lazy

or is something wrong with me

is something wrong with me?

how ugly is it that you've heard this a million times

this sentiment

of nothingness and worthlessness

from so many other people

the only person who can save you is yourself

everyone lives in their own universe--

so,

if i enter someone else's universe

am i expected to act within their personal rules?

if someone else enters my world

should i expect them to act in accordance with my truth?

maybe i'm thinking about it too much

we exist infinitely

in time, in space

can i exist

in so many different spaces,

yet still be me?

am i crazy

tell me you'll stay whole, even with me like this

one problem is always a branch of another problem

or maybe everything is a little easier than i think it is

or maybe i'm being too naive

one minute i'm in love

with myself and the world

the next i don't feel whole

i don't feel human

i am not myself

one day i'm king of the the world

the next day it's got its hands around my neck

and i just wanna drown into myself

too caught up in my fantasies

running into time

absolute CHAOS in my brain

i'm so pretty when i cry

this is my world and it's all in my favor

But...

these demons in my head and they all look like me

i think maybe that's where the self-destruction comes from

an attempt to destroy the uninviting parts of myself

i

am

so

confused

in a state of limbo

or maybe liminality

is there a difference?

everyone is winging it

i think i'm doing fine

if you were there before, if you're here now, if you're here through it all

even if you don't show up till after---

i'm working on it

i'm working on it

i

am

working

on it!!