I think one of the most incredibly heart-wrenching details of Jesus' crucifixion is that he was made to carry his own cross. After being beaten to what should have been the point of death, on his back was placed the beam that would actually kill him. They placed his own torture device across his shoulders, and forced him to walk it to the place where it would take his life.
I can't imagine how humiliated, angered, and hopeless I would feel to be forced to bear what would eventually kill me. I can't imagine having to carry around the very thing that could destroy me, knowing that I'm leading it to the place for it to do exactly that.
But, then again, I can. Because I do it to myself every, single day.
I force upon myself relationships, thoughts, and habits that I know will eventually lead to my demise, but I walk them there, anyway. I carry with me lies and insecurities that I know will lead solely to further destruction, but I let them hang around. I willingly walk around with my own torture devices slung across my back every, single day.
I hold on to relationships that stopped adding value to my life a long time ago because I value what they were, even though I know they'll never be that again. I cling to thoughts that bring temporary happiness and satisfaction, but are really only fueling the fire of long-term hurt and struggle. I continue to indulge in habits that are obviously self-destructive, but are easy, comfortable, and consistent.
I believe what I know are lies because they fulfill the idea of what I think I deserve, instead of what I know I've been given. I live in the insecurities that have built up over time because living free of them would mean walking outside of my comfort zone. I purposely trade the truth for lies because the lies give me an excuse to continue walking all of these things in the direction of my inevitable death.
But, eventually, the weight of the instruments becomes too much. Eventually, I can no longer bear what I've forced myself to carry.
Which is OK.
Because just as Jesus' cross was taken by Simon the Cyrene to finish carrying, my cross has been taken by Jesus. He's taken it the rest of the way for me.
However, unlike Simon, Jesus doesn't just carry my cross. Whereas Simon may have carried Jesus's cross for him, he didn't have to be nailed to it. Once he got to Calvary, it was still Jesus that was to be hung to his death.
Yet, Jesus has chosen to not only carry my cross, but to nail himself to it, as well. He has chosen to take what should have killed me, and has allowed himself to be killed by it instead. So all of those things that should have led to my destruction no longer have the power to do so.
Because my cross has been gracefully and mercifully borne for me, I no longer live on a path to death, but a path to eternal life.
