I thought I knew what I wanted.

I could picture our future unraveling together.

I could see you walking through healing while I stood by your side,

marveling at Gods work in your life.

I wanted you; I always wanted you.

When you broke my heart I got angry and even hated you,

but it never took me long to come crawling back.

Had I never truly let you go?

I had tried.

Was I looking for your acceptance after always feeling rejected?

Is that why I always came back?

I could almost taste redemption a time or two; redemption in you, and in our relationship too.

How sweet it tasted.

But, I spoke too soon, moved too fast, and gave in too easily.

I became a distraction in your healing process and for that I feel selfish.

I was blinded by my own wants and lost love.

I gave you my heart all over again.

I let you in. I trusted you.

I shouldn’t have expected so much. How did I let my guard down again?

And what did it take for me to realize where we stood?

One fight.

One word spoken and taken back with immediate regret.

An apology with no reply…then…

Silence.

The loudest silence I have ever endured.

It asked questions that might not ever find their answers.

It pierced my heart until it bled with the truth;

the truth that you might not ever be mine.

The wound was deep but revealed so much.

We may not have spoken of closure but the silence was our resolve.

I wanted you too much when you were never mine to own.

You are a son of the living God;

One of His sheep,

One of His own.

I am not the victim of this story, so who is?

We were both hurt,

And both left with broken trust and shattered love.

So, I’ll ask again,

who is the true victim here?

We had both placed ourselves in this situation,

ignoring the one who would bring true redemption.

So, had we not received what we deserved?

Since we had spent so much of our affections on cheap love,

we couldn’t give God the intimacy He’s worthy of.

An intimacy our hearts long for but are too ignorant to receive easily.

So, it took pain and it took loss to bring me to my knees.

It took silence to realize the one who had been cheated wasn’t me or you, but Him.

Silence,

As painful as it came,

it brought truth to my refrain.

My heart longs for intimacy with just one,

God, and God alone.

He sits high,

Seated on His throne.

And when I am lucky,

He uses silence to lead me home.

*Originally written on my personal blog - www.callimayhey.wordpress.com