It Could Have Been Me | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Politics and Activism

It Could Have Been Me

Loving yourself is a rebellious act.

10
It Could Have Been Me
Fibonacci Blue

It could have been me hearing a gunshot and dismissing it as a firecracker. It could have been me hiding in the bathroom while I frantically text my mother. It could have been me, with my name on the increasingly long list of lost loved ones.

So many names, most of them Latinx, many of them Puerto Rican, all of them attended Latin night at a gay club like any other. Until someone filled with hate and anger invaded that beautiful space and everything was chaos. He harmed and destroyed the lives of these young, brilliant, LGBTQ+ people of color. I cannot imagine the pain that the families of the victims are feeling.

It could have been me.

I am a bisexual Puerto Rican woman.

While my family members and friends can read about this violence and step away from it, I cannot. This tragedy haunts me. It's at the forefront of my mind, a hate crime against a community that I barely felt apart of.

I couldn't process the situation at first. In my mind, it was just another unfortunate mass shooting, one that we would mourn as a nation and then pretend never happened, the default reaction (not change, of course). As the story developed and the intentions of the perpetrator became clearer, it was impossible to ignore. The news was everywhere - tragic and frustrating, shocking and heartbreaking.

That was when the fear set in. I've never been particularly afraid to show affection in public or to openly be myself with the person I love. How could I still do that? If this person was enraged with himself and those expressing their love around him, how do I know if I'm not provoking a similar violent reaction?

When I began to fully acknowledge and accept my identity, I was in the relative comfort of a women's college. Every other person on campus was on the spectrum, nothing new or surprising. It was safe for me. As I graduated, I knew that I would probably face challenges, but I wasn't afraid. While I identify as a queer woman of color, I still benefit from a lot of privilege.

As a bisexual woman of color, I felt close to the larger LGBTQ+ community, but from a distance. I had always tried my best to be an ally until I realized that I, too, was attracted to people along the gender spectrum. Particularly bisexual identities have come under fire often because they're seen as 'not choosing a side' or as a 'phase.' And I was a woman of color, already on the margins of society and, now, of the LGBTQ+ community. Being both Latina and bisexual brings in oppression from multiple sides, identities often being erased by one another (example: when choosing a subcategory for this piece, under "identities" it was either "gay" or "latino," but it couldn't be both).

Tragedy creates a collective memory. Hate crimes create a collective consciousness, a reaction to the worst of actions.

Omar Mateen devastated the lives of over a hundred people physically and thousands more emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I am one of them. The hate feels so close to me because of how much I have in common with many of the victims. My fear is paralyzing. I want to be strong, I hope to persevere, but right now, I feel like I need to close myself up more. It feels like the best thing to do would be to put my head down, stay to myself, show no affection in public, and try my best to pretend that I am not who I am. Pretend that the love I have for someone is something secretive, something to keep hidden and quiet. Pretend that I am distant, that this attack does not target my community. In short, my fear pushes me to be reserved. My fear pushes me to do what Mateen would have wanted. Fear was his goal and it is overwhelmingly difficult to not give in.

For everyone who was hurt and killed in Orlando, I wish this had not happened. But we will remain strong and we will continue, without fear.

Coming out publicly has never felt so rebellious.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Taylor Swift in orange dress playing a moss-covered piano on stage with bright lights.

A three-and-a-half-hour runtime. Nine Eras. Eleven outfit changes. Three surprise songs. Zero breaks. One unforgettable evening. In the past century, no other performer has put on an electric performance quite like Taylor Swift, surpassing her fans ‘wildest dreams’. It is the reason supporters keep coming back to her shows each year. Days later, I’m still in awe of the spectacle ‘Miss Americana’ puts on every few days in a new city. And, like one of Taylor’s exes, has me smiling as I reminisce about the memories of the night we spent together.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

A Few Thoughts Every College Freshman Has

The transition into adulthood is never easy

23481
Mays Island
Courtney Jones

Today I started my third week of college at Minnesota State Moorhead. I have survived welcome week, finding my classes on the first day, and being an awkward loner in the dining hall. Even though I have yet to be here for a month, I have already experienced many thoughts and problems that only a new college student can relate to.

Keep Reading...Show less
Students walking on a sunny college campus with trees and buildings.

"Make sure to get involved when you're in college!"

We've all heard some variation of this phrase, whether it came from parents, other family members, friends, RAs, or college-related articles. And, like many clichés, it's true for the most part. Getting involved during your college years can help you make friends, build your resume, and feel connected to your campus. However, these commitments can get stressful if you're dealing with personal issues, need to work, or aren't sure how to balance classes and everything else going on during the semester.

Keep Reading...Show less
Relationships

9 Reasons Why Friends Are Essential In College

College without friends is like peanut butter without jelly.

9802
Bridgaline Liberati and friends
Bridgaline Liberati

In college, one of the essential things to have is friends. Yes, textbooks, a laptop, and other school supplies are important but friends are essential. Friends are that support system everybody needs. The more friends you have the better the support system you have. But you also have someone to share experiences with. And don’t settle for just one or two friends because 8 out of 10 times they are busy and you are studying all alone. Or they have other friend groups that do not include you. Don’t settle for just one or two friends; make as many friends as you can. After the first couple of weeks of college, most friend groups are set and you may be without friends.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

The Power of Dressing Up

Why it pays to leave the hoodie at home.

7105
sneakers and heels
Sister | Brother Style - Word Press

For a moment your world is spinning. The phone alarm has just scared you awake and you’re flooded by daunting thoughts of the day ahead. You have three assignments due and little time to work on them because of your job. You’re running late because you’ve hit snooze one to many times after yesterday’s long hours. You dizzily reach for a hoodie, craving its comfort, and rush for a speedy exit, praying you will have time to pick up coffee. Does this sound familiar?

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments