When a person passes on the first reaction a person feels is sadness and grief, most times instantly acquainted with the affection of crying. Then the day of the funeral comes and you cry with those sitting among you. Burying yourself in wonder of how you’ll ever recover without your loved one. I wish I could say I’m like everyone else. I wish I could say I sadden at the talk of death and cry for those I have lost. This is not how I have ever reacted.
As the years have gone on and I’ve grown into the person I’m becoming I have never once cried during the instant when I learned of a friend or family member passing. It isn’t that I don’t care. I feel a deep care for those involved in losing a loved one. I just don’t feel anything. You could compare it to a numbness. For example, I have horrible arches in my feet and when I point my toes to hard, for too long, my foot goes numb and freezes. This is how my mind feels in all sorts of situations. I don’t feel mad or sad or happy or any other describing word. I just feel nothing. I have no feelings in situations like these; in situations where sadness, anger, or even confusion would most likely be present. It isn’t depression. I’m not confused. I know exactly what is occurring and what is happening in my surroundings. I just have no feelings towards any of it. It’s as though my mind has gone blank. Others minds rush and overthink, while mine stares blankly into space and every others daydreams.
When situations such as death or heartbreak occur I don’t try to hide my feelings. If I want to cry and let all my feelings out I will. I’m not heartless, my feelings just aren’t there or may even be delayed. It just seems odd for my personality and who I am that I don’t physically or mentally have any reaction or feelings for those I’ve encountered around me.
At certain points in my life, separate from feeling absolutely nothing, I feel as though I have no control over how I feel. It’s either one or the other. I feel nothing or I can’t control how I feel. This feeling of losing control over my sudden reactions could be linked to what is called bipolar disorder. Several family members of mine have expressed their concerns over the years on certain relatives within my family living with this disorder. I don’t enjoy upsetting people, if I had the control to I would shower those around me with love and gifts to last a lifetime of happiness. This thought rains true every time I go out shopping and see something I wish so dearly I could afford to buy for someone on my mind. While this thought may be occurring one minute, it all seems to change during the next. I don’t enjoy confrontation and am horrible at supporting my side of an argument, yet I always seem to lose my mind unexpectedly on those around me at the most inconvenient moments.
I may have no feelings when it comes to the important topics worth discussing, yet I lose any sense of controlling the feelings I do have when it involves the simplest of things. I may be bipolar. I may not. My brain may shut down when I need it most. It may just be prolonging my feelings until I can really think through my actions and feelings personally and alone. All I and anyone can do is just be patient with who I am and adhere to my craziness I call a personality. I am an organized person and I know what my priorities are in life. I just ask that all be kind to who I am and how I act as I am still trying to figure out who I am as well.
