I'm going to start this off by saying that I don’t want anyone to confuse my meaning. When I talk about being shy, I’m not talking about very real disorders such as social anxiety, which are completely outside of my realm of experience to discuss. Rather, I am referring to that icky kind of self-conscious, gut-clenched sensation that a lot of otherwise mentally healthy people feel when they aren’t comfortable in a social situation. It’s like a sort of gravity, that works against whatever social inclinations you might have. You jump, but your shyness pulls you right back to the ground.
People write all kinds of self-help books and articles and memoirs on how to inwardly resolve this kind of problem. Many of them have to do with developing your own confidence—learning to believe that you’re a good person with something to contribute, whom others will be interested in if you give them a chance to see who you are. This advice is well and good. But it’s been my personal experience that I have been the most shy, and the most unhappy, when my primary focus is myself. This is what I mean when I say that shyness can be selfish.
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Picture a girl, sitting at a lunch table, surrounded by acquaintances. A swarm of questions flits sharply through her mind like hornets—What should she say to make herself seem clever? What should she say to appear funny? Do the people around her think she’s annoying? Is she eating too much food, and does it make her look like a glutton? Does her hair look okay? Is she laughing too loudly? Oh, he’s almost done talking, quick, think of a joke! Execute, execute—it falls flat, like a pancake. They don’t understand her. She’s alone, surrounded by people. She’s alone and no one understands her.
It’s this kind of focus which transforms shyness into a noxious element. It’s an excess of dwelling on your own qualities and other people’s perceptions of them. It transforms the people around you from children of God that would be fun and meaningful to get to know into reaction objects. Their primary purpose is to be controlled, through your actions and words, into liking you.
It can be thought of in terms of being “full of yourself.” This phrase doesn’t have to mean that you think you’re the bee’s knees. It can simply mean that your mind is full, brimming, dripping over the sides with ego, with "me," with "what is happening to me right now," whether those thoughts are positive or negative. I know that there have been moments in my life where I’ve been so full of myself in this regard that I could hardly think about anything or anyone else—there just wasn’t room. To me, this sensation culminates in the experience of feeling shy.
Some cases of shyness are more complex and deeply rooted than what I am talking about here. But I’ve found that simply pulling the spotlight off myself and putting it onto the others around me almost instantly enables me to think in a healthier and clearer way. Trying to help those around you feel welcomed and appreciated gives you something to do. It helps you engage. Look for the ones around you who don’t look like they’re having fun, and talk to them. It doesn’t matter what you say. You don’t have to be interesting. You don’t have to be clever. Just be warm—people will respond to that.
Another way to think about it is that when you’re shy, you’re not just making yourself uncomfortable, but those around you as well. Being shy can often translate into a feeling of negativity toward other people. They don’t “get” you, and it’s their fault for not looking deeper into what kind of person you are. Those around you may very likely perceive this hesitancy as bristled or even cold. They will think that you are rejecting the potential of their friendship and that you don’t want to get to know them. This feeds back into their not putting forth any effort either, and feeds into a never-ending cycle which results into a retreat down a deep, dark hole.
God calls us to be others-focused, to love others like we love ourselves. To put their well-being first. It’s something that we have to learn. We aren’t born kind or altruistic. We are intrinsically selfish creatures looking to fulfill our own needs and desires, whether that be in relationships or any other area of life. Only through prayer and God’s divine help can we become the people that we were meant to be, full of light and love, pouring out into others instead of always expecting to be poured into.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” - Galatians 6:2
