Tech fans have anxiously been awaiting the release of Apple's newest cellular device: the iPhone 7 (cue angelic choir and music). The delivery of the iPhone 6S proved to be a disappointment to gadget users after discovering limited visual upgrades from the previous iPhone 6. Most customers replied with the token phrase of "That's it?" and proceeded to cry while swiping their credit card.

Apple CEO, Tim Cook, released a statement notifying consumers that the iPhone 7 will be released this September, at the technology convention the fruit inspired company holds every fall. "We are more than excited to release the 7th generation of this device. Apple's biggest fans, my parents, have told me that it is going to have a very positive reception."

Tim Cook, Apple CEO, pictured above

"Apple's biggest fans have told me that it is going to have a very positive reception." -Tim Cook

Shockingly, massive changes have been made from the previous generation. "Fans weren't happy with the upgrade of the 6 to the 6S, so we decided to listen and give them what they want," Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Marketing, Philip Schiller says. But one of those massive changes includes removing the phone's ability to connect to wireless carriers. In other words: The iPhone 7 is not a phone.

"We really wanted to enhance a couple areas, and because of that we had to remove the 'calling feature,'" says Tim Cook. But never fear, texting through iMessage and Facebook chat are still operational in this edition.

Space for the item's battery was top priority for this installment and took the area of the device's antenna and phone capabilities. The projected 15-minute battery life increase will now make the iPhone 7 contain a whopping 45-minute usage period, for surfing the web, crushing candy, and answering all of those 'important emails.'

"iMessage and FaceBook chat are still operational in this edition."

In addition, operating system "IOS 12" will be delivered to the public installed on the device. With updated features like SIRI, your digital assistant can now open music on Spotify and also help raise your children with the newest feature: "Sass Programming." SIRI will be able to announce things to kids like "Sit down, and put your seatbelt on," "turn that television down, " or even ask the dreaded question: "did you brush your teeth yet?"

Android users are considering making the switch to Apple products after this declaration. "I used to love Android because I considered it more customizable and flexible with the price range." Says John JingleHeimer-Schmidt, president of the Android fan club in Manhattan, Kansas. "I have a feeling that all smartphone users are going to be flocking to the iPhone 7 solely for that increased battery life, " he says while sniffling and wiping his snot-dripping nose on his rose-colored cardigan.

John JingleHeimer-Schmidt (pictured above) has been the 'Reigning President' of the Android fan club since its inception in July of 2011.

Speculation around the iPhone 7 began when a touch screen device was found on June 14th in a bathroom of a Japanese bar in Tokyo.

"All smartphone users are going to be flocking to the iPhone 7 solely for that increased battery life." - John JingleHeimer-Schmidt

With the phone feature being cut for this iPhone, we contacted CEO Cook for a response, to hear his thoughts on the 'surprising outrage' customers have been expressing. Unfortunately, his mother picked up the phone, claimed he was in the bathroom and was unable to comment at this time.

Pricing and Availability

iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus will be available in gold, stainless steel silver, death star gray, and pretty pink rose for $0 down with 47 monthly payments starting at $82.50 (US) and $99.34 (US), from Apple’s retail stores in the US and local Target convenience stores in Europe, other than the United Kingdom (#Brexit).

Leave your comments and thoughts below on the newest version of Apple's most beloved product.

*Disclaimer: This article is a parody report about the release of the newest iPhone. All quotes and facts are fictional. Other than John JingleHeimer-Schmidt, he's real...*