Recommended for you

Start writing a post

Lifestyle

iPhone 7 To Lose Calling Capability

America's favorite smartphone has lost its ability to connect others through verbal speech

Christopher Castanho

Aug 02, 2016

Shenandoah University

Apple

Tech fans have anxiously been awaiting the release of Apple's newest cellular device: the iPhone 7 (cue angelic choir and music). The delivery of the iPhone 6S proved to be a disappointment to gadget users after discovering limited visual upgrades from the previous iPhone 6. Most customers replied with the token phrase of "That's it?" and proceeded to cry while swiping their credit card.

Apple CEO, Tim Cook, released a statement notifying consumers that the iPhone 7 will be released this September, at the technology convention the fruit inspired company holds every fall. "We are more than excited to release the 7th generation of this device. Apple's biggest fans, my parents, have told me that it is going to have a very positive reception."

Tim Cook, Apple CEO, pictured above

"Apple's biggest fans have told me that it is going to have a very positive reception." -Tim Cook

Shockingly, massive changes have been made from the previous generation. "Fans weren't happy with the upgrade of the 6 to the 6S, so we decided to listen and give them what they want," Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Marketing, Philip Schiller says. But one of those massive changes includes removing the phone's ability to connect to wireless carriers. In other words: The iPhone 7 is not a phone.

"We really wanted to enhance a couple areas, and because of that we had to remove the 'calling feature,'" says Tim Cook. But never fear, texting through iMessage and Facebook chat are still operational in this edition.

Space for the item's battery was top priority for this installment and took the area of the device's antenna and phone capabilities. The projected 15-minute battery life increase will now make the iPhone 7 contain a whopping 45-minute usage period, for surfing the web, crushing candy, and answering all of those 'important emails.'

"iMessage and FaceBook chat are still operational in this edition."

In addition, operating system "IOS 12" will be delivered to the public installed on the device. With updated features like SIRI, your digital assistant can now open music on Spotify and also help raise your children with the newest feature: "Sass Programming." SIRI will be able to announce things to kids like "Sit down, and put your seatbelt on," "turn that television down, " or even ask the dreaded question: "did you brush your teeth yet?"

Android users are considering making the switch to Apple products after this declaration. "I used to love Android because I considered it more customizable and flexible with the price range." Says John JingleHeimer-Schmidt, president of the Android fan club in Manhattan, Kansas. "I have a feeling that all smartphone users are going to be flocking to the iPhone 7 solely for that increased battery life, " he says while sniffling and wiping his snot-dripping nose on his rose-colored cardigan.

John JingleHeimer-Schmidt (pictured above) has been the 'Reigning President' of the Android fan club since its inception in July of 2011.

Speculation around the iPhone 7 began when a touch screen device was found on June 14th in a bathroom of a Japanese bar in Tokyo.

"All smartphone users are going to be flocking to the iPhone 7 solely for that increased battery life." - John JingleHeimer-Schmidt

With the phone feature being cut for this iPhone, we contacted CEO Cook for a response, to hear his thoughts on the 'surprising outrage' customers have been expressing. Unfortunately, his mother picked up the phone, claimed he was in the bathroom and was unable to comment at this time.

Pricing and Availability

iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus will be available in gold, stainless steel silver, death star gray, and pretty pink rose for $0 down with 47 monthly payments starting at $82.50 (US) and $99.34 (US), from Apple’s retail stores in the US and local Target convenience stores in Europe, other than the United Kingdom (#Brexit).

Leave your comments and thoughts below on the newest version of Apple's most beloved product.

*Disclaimer: This article is a parody report about the release of the newest iPhone. All quotes and facts are fictional. Other than John JingleHeimer-Schmidt, he's real...*

Report this Content

This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Entertainment

7 Experiences All Girls With Resting Bitch Face Have Had

The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

University of South Florida

2155

Pexels

In case you're unaware, "resting bitch face" is the term used to describe when a person's natural, expressionless face makes it look like they are mad at the world. Whether they are walking down the street or simply spacing out thinking about what to eat for dinner, it's very easy for others to assume that this person is either upset or mad at them. Because of this, those of us with Resting Bitch Face (RBF), and especially us women, have all experienced many of the same situations and conversations, including:

Keep Reading...Show less

rbf

Entertainment

The Stages Of A Crush As Told By The Cast of "Bob's Burgers"

We all go through certain stages when we have a crush, Tina just explains it better.

Dean College

1017

Google

We've all had a crush before. Whether it leads to something or nothing, the process has all been the same. The awkward feelings, the stalking, and the stress of trying to keep this huge secret. The feeling of becoming a total spazz is something that cannot be avoided, and the most spazzy family that can relate to this feeling is the Belcher's.

Keep Reading...Show less

bobs burgers

Adulting

Adulting 101: In Sickness And In Self

Everybody hurts sometimes.

Georgia State University

827

you didnt come this far to only come this far lighted text

Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

At the tender age of 18, we are bestowed with the title of “adult.” For 17 years, we live under the rules and guidelines of our parents, school, and government, and to stray from any of those rules or guidelines marks us as a rebel. At 18, though, we must choose which college we want to go to or what career we want. We are allowed and encouraged to vote. We can buy lottery tickets and cigarettes. We can drop out of school, leave our household, and do other "adult" things. At 18, we start down a path of thinking for ourselves, when for the entirety of our lives other institutions have been mandated to think and do for us.

Keep Reading...Show less

adulting

Student Life

25 Thoughts Everyone Has When Registering For Classes

May the odds be ever in your favor.

University of Nebraska Omaha

1473

University of Nebraska at Omaha

Creating your schedule for the upcoming semester can be an exciting process. You have the control to decide if you want to have class two-days a week or five-days a week. You get to check things off of your requirement checklist. It's an opportunity for a fresh start with new classes (which you tell yourself you'll never skip.) This process, which always starts out so optimistic, can get frustrating really quickly. Here are 25 thoughts you have when registering for classes.

Keep Reading...Show less

class registration

Student Life

10 Thoughts Of A 5th Year Senior

What about those of us who don't do it all in four years?

University of Kentucky

1903

pointsincase.com

"College will be the best four years of your life" is a phrase that we have all heard growing up. College is painted as a magical place to us while we are in high school. A place you go to learn, meet your best friends and probably have the time of your life while all of this is going down. Four whirlwind years, where everything that you've known changes and you start to learn what it means to live on your own, have a job, etc. But what about those of us who don't do this all in four years? Major changes, hard courses, switching schools, career paths changing, these are just a handful of factors that could extend your four years to five, six or seven. There is nothing wrong with taking extra time to graduate, but returning as a fifth-year is a little different. Most of your best friends have most likely graduated and moved and while you may be one of the oldest undergraduates on campus, you might feel as awkward as a freshmen. A world that became home and comfortable to you is still there but it's slightly different than you've known it to be and you have to find a groove to fall into. These are thoughts you'll have as you look ahead to returning to your college campus, with a victory lap planned.

Keep Reading...Show less

senior year

Recommended for you

iPhone 7 To Lose Calling Capability

America's favorite smartphone has lost its ability to connect others through verbal speech

"Apple's biggest fans have told me that it is going to have a very positive reception." -Tim Cook

"iMessage and FaceBook chat are still operational in this edition."

"All smartphone users are going to be flocking to the iPhone 7 solely for that increased battery life." - John JingleHeimer-Schmidt

Pricing and Availability

Subscribe to our Newsletter

The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

1. People asking if you're mad at them.

2. Those people who hand out flyers don't always try to stop you.

3. Creepy guys telling you to smile.

4. "I thought you were a bitch when I first met you."

5. People telling you you'd be "so much prettier if you smiled."

6. Doing your makeup and looking great, which somehow intensifies the bitch face.

7. Regularly explaining "it's just my face."

We all go through certain stages when we have a crush, Tina just explains it better.

That moment that someone you never looked twice at suddenly makes you do a double take out of no where.

But you can't have a crush, that's outrageous. It's all in your head.

Because you don't have a crush, there's no reason to tell anyone about anything. Right?

But then they do something irresistible and you start to lose it.

Now accepting the fact you have a crush, you have to keep it under control.

Then there's the part where you tell your friends who will claim they called it.

They'll be excited and cheer you on. That's until they realize that your crush is all you'll be talking about.

Your obsession has become so bad, that your Facebook stalking is getting out of control.

But your friends will try and help move things along any way they can. That doesn't mean it will be any helpful though.

As time goes on, you start having fantasies about the two of you and it's starting to scare you a little.

You can't focus on anything because all your attention is on them and everything they do.

Anybody who comes near your crush is now an enemy, and you are willing to fight for your crush.

When you see them, you act like an idiot. Trying to hide your feelings may not be as discrete as you think.

Keeping your feelings inside will start to be harder and harder until you can't keep it inside anymore.

Who knows, maybe it will work out? Take a chance.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

What about those of us who don't do it all in four years?

1. You feel like an elder.

2. You may feel lonely.

3. Senioritis is more real than ever.

4. You may feel a little down sometimes.

5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.

6. You are a college pro.

7. You'll have more free time.

8. You're happy you're still in school.

9. You feel like a guru.

10. You continue to grow.

Trending Topics

Top Creators

Trending Stories

Best of Lifestyle

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments

Subscribe to our
Newsletter