I need to come out and be honest for the first time publicly. Now my “coming out” is not your typical one. I need to come out and share with you that I am a sufferer of depression and anxiety. I have good days, great days, okay days, and some bad what I call “dark” days. I believe that this surfaced for the first time in middle school, like it was my first time boarding a lifetime rollercoaster. From then on I would be going along on an easy minimal twisty and turn ride to a build of hills and drops and sharp turns; until I was traveling up to a final huge and massive drop, picture the Dragster at Cedar Point, to my dark days. I was 13 when I first experienced my new reality and I haven’t told much of anyone until now.

There are people in my life who too suffer from depression and anxiety, and I look at them and see how hard they struggle every day, and how they are tied to a bottle they wish so badly to detach from. I’m there for them and when I tell them I understand where they are coming from, I mean it; but with my severity of suffering on the outside looking less, I have never felt valid enough to say anything about it. That was until my last massive drop and the person who knows exactly what I’m going through and what it feels like told me I suffer from depression and anxiety, and it was a huge relief to simply reply, “I know.” I did not have to pretend that I’m this sturdy as all get out rock in fear of them not believing me or treating me different. I was able to do what I have done with them many times in the past which is being held in a safe hug and cried; but this time I knew what was causing me to do so was valid and real.

Depression and anxiety looks different to each and every person that goes through it. There are similar thoughts and feelings that go through our minds such as “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m letting everyone down,” and the feeling of being exhausted to the point where its almost like the rise of the living dead. How I get to that end of the drop the “living dead” portion of my ride is through an accumulation of triggers. They are mostly small little things that the majority can brush off easily and on a great day I can too, but every other day those things get locked away in my head as a small drop of many to come. This past time the drops were having writers block for over a month (which increased the worse my drops got), having small disagreements with my friends and family which led to me feeling like I’m letting people down. The third trigger was that a plan that I really really wanted to turn out a certain way wasn’t doing so, and the last was caused by me sitting in my car at my old high school’s parking lot waiting to pick up my little brother. I know to most people these seem small eye-roll worthy instances, but to me they were drops that turned my good days to okay days and my okay days to my dark days. I’m not in my dark days at this time. I’m back to my little bumps and okay days; I even had a good day a little bit ago.

I wanted to write this to hopefully help people that are struggling to admit what’s going on in their my is valid or even real. It is. Just because you may not cry every day and your good days out way your dark doesn’t mean what’s going on in your head is less valid than what someone else is going through. That reason being is this is incomparable, and every single person going through these things are unique and valid and way way more important and irreplaceable than your mind lets you believe. So to you still hiding, talk to someone whether it’s a friend, counselor, or parent; do it. And if you are that person someone talks to about this, just listen with open arms and don’t treat them differently, because they need you and your normalcy now more than ever.