I have many friends in the LGBT+ community and a lot of them have multiple overlapping identities between their gender and sexuality. For this week, I thought it would interesting to interview my agender, panromatic/asexual friend, who for the purposes of this interview will be named APAF, since they are still not fully out with their identity. My friend claims multiple identities that are still struggling to be accepted both within, and outside of the LGBT+ community. By interviewing ter (they use the pronouns ter/ter in replacement of she/her), I am hoping to bring some awareness to their identity and the identities of other people.
APAF: I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm ready to party!
Me: Nice! So, when did you realize you were agender? How did you realize this?
APAF: Freshman year????? The word she started bugging me, and then I sat down with a friend and we started talking about gender stuff. I realized that I didn't identify as male or female, if that makes sense?
Me: Sure! Can you explain how you didn't feel male or female?
APAF: uh, all I know is that the word she made me feel really uncomfortable when everyone used it.
Me: Was it painful when people used the pronouns?
APAF: not really, just uncomfortable. Agender wasn't something I realized I could be until someone explained it to me. Then it was like something started clicking and it took a few months for me to understand what everything was, but then it kind of made sense.
Me: How do you feel now as someone who is mostly out to friends as agender?
APAF: I feel a lot better. And I can actually be myself, and my friends actually use my pronouns, which is amazing. I feel free, like I can dress as androgynous (looking neither male nor female) as I want without being judged for it.
Me: Have there been any moments where being agender has been difficult? Like reactions, or experiences?
APAF: I know one. I didn't fully come out to my parents, but they've kind of realized. My mom told me straight to my face that I am female and there is no question about it.
Me: How did it feel when she said that to you? Someone who is supposed to accept you no matter what?
APAF: It was like, the ultimate rejection. Because you have somebody who has told you, your whole life, that they will accept you no matter what, and then they tell you that. I felt like fleeing the house, because it felt like an unsafe environment after that...
Me: Where you couldn't be yourself...
APAF: Yeah...
Me: I'm so sorry. That's horrible.
APAF: I still remember that vividly. Another is though I am out to a couple people, there is always coming out. I have to tell everyone as soon as I meet them that I am agender and I have to wonder if they will accept me and use the right pronouns. If I don't tell them, then I have to sit while they use female pronouns, making me shudder every time. then you have to pretend that it doesn't bug you; you have to get a thick skin, because there's nothing you can do about it.
Me: And how does it feel when people accept you as agender?
APAF: Uh, it's really nice when people accept you, because you can be yourself around them. And you know that they're not judging for being the way you are.
Me: Yeah, because you can't change your gender!
APAF: True! But there are still times when I do something that is either too masculine or too feminine, and I get really uncomfortable. Because when you do lean too much towards one side, you worry about people thinking or saying, "wow, that person is female/male", which is not my gender identity. Everything is gendered, and it's really hard to get in the middle or it, or escape gender all together. It's also an inside struggle because you start questioning, maybe I'm not agender, and I have just been pretending. For example, I just recently became comfortable wearing dresses again, which are like the which are like, the ideal of femininity.
Me: Yeah, that makes sense. You don’t want to be identified as any gender, so you don’t want to wear things that our society would label as that gender.
APAF: Yeah, basically.
Me: Nice! This is so interesting and cool! Do you want to move onto your gender and sexuality?
APAF: Sure! *moves hands* Jazz hands!!!
Me: Okay, so you are panromantic/asexual. Can you just, like, explain what those are first?
APAF: F**k. Um, yeah, I just have to figure out how to define them first. Panromantic is attraction, like romantic attraction to all genders. And asexual is feeling little to no interest in sexual activities or sex.
Me: And for you, romantic and sexual attractions are separate? Which is thing that people can feel.
APAF: Yep. For the asexual, I have never been interested in sex, and every relationship I have ever been in, I have never wanted to have sex. Or if they mentioned sex, I became super uncomfortable. Then, like, panromantic, I realized when I was romantically attracted to my childhood friend, and then my current boyfriend, who is transgender (female-to-male).
Me: Cool, have you come out to a lot of people as being ‘gay’ as you like to say?
APAF: Actually, yeah. There’s a lot people that know, I find it a lot easier to come out as panromantic/asexual than agender.
Me: Really?
APAF: Yeah. Although coming out as gay is hard, people are more ready to accept my sexuality than my gender.
Me: Why do you think that is?
APAF: From what I’ve seen, society sees all the new genders as fads and trends, or they think that people are over exaggerating. Like, people just want to have something special and unique, they don’t really see being something not within the traditional binary as a real thing. And there’s been more awareness for different sexualities, and although it is not, like, fully accepted, it is still seems easier for people to say that someone’s sexuality is valid, and not so easy for people to say the same thing about different genders.
Me: If you had any words of wisdom for people questioning their gender identity, what would they be?
APAF: Take it slow, you don’t have to figure it out in a day. Experiment with pronouns, like with a pronoun generator you can find on the web. And it’s okay to switch pronouns, and try different ones. If it ends up changing, that’s okay. Because you’re figuring it out as you go, and you don’t figure it out immediately.
Me: Thanks so much for letting me interview you, I can’t wait to see what people say in response to this article.
APAF: In the words of Thomas Sanders, “Thanks guys, gals, and non-binary pals! Peace out!”
