When I was eight, I experienced my first anxiety attack. I can’t recall the cause, but I remember this overwhelming feeling in my chest and the need to cry: cry until the point that my body was drained from the action. Hyperventilation set in and I could barely breathe. I couldn’t pace myself. I laid down on my bed and felt powerless as I sobbed into my sheets. I was irritated with everything and my emotions were on edge. I lost it. There was something inside of me that I was unable to release. It felt like a battle was occurring within my chest. Every breath I inhaled and exhaled felt like a heavy blow.
My ex-step mother did not do a lot for me; she mostly shot violent words my way, which has contributed to my anxiety more than anything, but one thing she did do was show me the capabilities of what music can do. I always listened to music and enjoyed the instrumentals and the voice of the artist, but I never recognized its healing powers at such a young age. She put a stereo in my room and slid in two CD’s, both of which I got for Christmas that year. I would listen to them on car rides to keep myself entertained, but never interacted with them in this new way. Music wasn’t an outlet for me when I felt heartbreak or pain when I was eight. Music wasn’t an outlet I would go to when stress began to take hold of my mind and body. When I was younger, I just cried until I passed out or I would throw a tantrum, as children do. At that age, there was no such thing as processing a situation and dealing with emotions--Heck, I still feel like I can’t deal properly with my emotions.
Every day is a learning experience when it comes to discovering ways to heal. Though this is true, once the play button was pressed, I found something to focus on. I found something to center the heaviness in my chest that was overwhelming my senses. During my weak moments, I was able to find the strength to throw the weight off of myself. I let myself fall into this warm home built out of lyrics and the sounds. It was like a trance. It was a beautiful distraction.
A big emotional manipulator in my life has been the pulling of my anxiety. Along with that, I wear my heart on my sleeve, which makes me even more susceptible. I happen to bruise easily and feel things so powerfully. I become susceptible to the dangers that are out there, which creep under your skin when you least expect it. I let these emotions influence me until the point that sleeping becomes a battle and overthinking consumes me. I let myself become paranoid as I re-run every interaction I had, whether it be an interaction from earlier that day, that week, or month. I have experienced disappointment, embarrassment, and pain. Self doubt consumes me. My anxiety has lead me to believe that I am not good enough.
As we grow up, things get more complicated, unfair and simply confusing, in comparison to those struggles each one of us have endured during our younger years. When you were young, life was simpler, but the occasional bully did cross your path or your sibling ate the last cookie that was meant for you. You weren’t as concerned about the opinions of others and how one move in your life could tip everything over. You didn’t have to think about explaining your beliefs and choices. You didn’t have to get caught up in the vicious cycle of hatred, which shook you. You accepted yourself and who you were. You had no idea that someone else may be inconsiderate of you or selfish in a situation, which leaves you feeling powerless as you get the lesser of the deal. The judgement of others weren’t concerned. We were all in our own little safe place. Soon, religion, politics, and flat out bigotry began to sway your sense of confidence.
When it comes to my anxiety, I always go into my music library. I have created a collection where a healthy outlet exists. Within this collection of music I have sought out, there are certain lyrics that strike a chord in me. It relieves the feeling of being alone. It vanquishes that pain I feel on the toughest days. The open gash begins to heal and recover. It’s the best kind of therapy.
My mother happens to have an obsession with quotes. She loves all different types and always has a quote of the day, which she posts on social media. I always thought this characteristic was funny about her, but I have developed understanding. I guess I thought it was cheesy and masked the reality of how complicated life can be. When one doesn’t have all the answers for life in front of them, someone else may present them, whether it be in a song, a book, a movie, a TV show, a speech, or an interview. There are so many outlets out there where you can find something that speaks to you on a level that was unimaginable, one which appeared as untouchable at the beginning. When it comes to quotes, it’s open for your own kind of identification. We can always find another layer in something that has purpose to us in someone else’s purpose. Words are art; art is always open for interpretation.
- “There’s some people and I, who have a really tough time getting through this life, so excuse us as we sing to the sky.” - Twenty One Pilots
- “It’s just a spark, but it’s enough to keep me going.” - Paramore
- “Forget the world, ‘cause it’s my life, I’m gonna take it back.” - All Time Low
- “I can build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me.”- Taylor Swift
- "Don't let go; never give up; it's such a wonderful life." - HURTS
- “Anyone can carry a shield, it takes true strength to lay it down.” - Debby Ryan
- “It can’t rain forever, sometimes it will pour.” - Oh Honey
- “‘No,’ doesn’t mean never. It just means not now.” - Candice Accola
- "I was always fascinated by people who are considered the most normal because I find them to be the weirdest of them all." - Johnny Depp
- “We are the kids you never can kill.” - Walk The Moon
- “I’m not perfect, but I’ll keep trying, because that’s what I said I would do from the start.” - Hedley
- “I didn’t know I was broken until I wanted to change.” - The Bleachers
- “Beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall, cause I can take on so much more than I had ever dreamed, so beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall, 'cause baby, I am ready to be free.” - Kelly Clarkson
- “I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell. I know, right now, you can’t tell. But stay a while, maybe then you’ll see, a different side of me.” - Matchbox 20
- “It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.” - John Mayer
- “I never knew that everything was falling through, that everyone I knew was waiting on a cue. To turn and run when all I needed was the truth.” - The Fray
- “I’m not perfect, that’s just who I am, is that okay? Perfect is overdone and overplanned in the modern age.” - I Fight Dragons
- “I fought all through the night, but I made it alive. The sun is starting to rise.” - Owl City
- “You are what you love, not who loves you.” - Fall Out Boy
- “Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was? Do you have to carry what they've handed down? No, this is not your legacy. This is not your destiny. Yesterday does not define you.” - Matthew West
