I cannot remember a time where I did not overthink every aspect of my life. For as long as I can remember I have internalized my every thought and action. Every decision I make or uncertainty I face in my life, I replay over and over in my head to the point where I can make myself sick worrying about it; I never just let things go. Most people after something happens, think about it for a second and move on; I have something happen and then think about it almost every minute my brain is not occupied with other things. I think about everything that could go wrong and until there is a clear set plan in motion to fix what I am thinking about, I will not stop thinking about it.

Overthinking is just who I am, I can't change it just because 'it's not healthy for me'. I know it's not healthy - believe me, I know how unhealthy this habit is more than anyone. I know because I go through it every day. I try everything to try to not overthink, but nothing works. I don't want to overthink or internalize every thought, I don't enjoy worrying about everything that happens. I definitely do not enjoy replaying every conversation in my head until I have found something that proves the person I talked to does not like me. Even if in my heart of hearts I know that it isn't true, that they do like me and I am just reading into things, my brain finds a way to tell me that I am wrong. My brain convinces me that the only way to have control is to overthink and to just worry about things until something good or bad happens. It also has convinced me that things are always too good to be true. The other shoe will always drop. So, naturally, the only way to be prepared for that shoe is to worry about it and replay the worry at every waking hour. Also, the only way to never be hurt by people is to internalize everything and never tell them what is going on. I wish these were not the solutions my brain is naturally inclined to want to take.

It's a mess up in my head. I don't enjoy it and I definitely do not actively choose to worry like this. When I tell you my worries and it's something you've heard before, just know I am not being annoying and not taking your advice - I literally cannot turn my brain off. The amount of times I have come to you with my worries is multiplied by 1,000 in my head. I have thought of it and worried 1,000 more times than I have come to you with. I wish I could turn it off, I really do. However, at the moment, my brain thinks the only way to get through things is to worry about them over and over on my own.