Challenges.

This past year I faced one of my greatest fears: Bathing suit shopping. I haven't gotten in a bathing suit nor bought one in 17 years. So that means, I haven't been in a bathing suit since I was 8 years old.

When I was 8 years old, it seemed like my world was turning upside inside out and down. I would be what you call an "early bloomer" and there were so many changes going on with my body that it became an everyday struggle. Take that struggle and mix it with being bullied, too... It resulted in so many rough times.

So, with all of this going on, it chewed up, spit out, and chewed up again my self-esteem. It was easy for insecurity to step in, grow, and take over. I thought it was natural. I thought it was a part of growing up. I thought I was supposed to feel this way in order to keep me humble.

I thought it was normal.

I begin to hide myself... literally. My parents pulled me out of public school because the bullying became so bad that I was having nightmares every night. I barely remember this. Somehow, I blocked it from my mind.

After my parents begin to homeschool me, it became easier to hide. I covered myself in heavy hoodies, even in the summer time. I stayed in my room, alone, more often. In those alone moments, I would constantly repeat, in my mind, what the bullies said to me... and I believed it. To me, I had no other reason NOT to believe it. It made sense to me that if all these people saw me as this bad person, then why not believe it?

It did not matter to me what my parents said. I thought they were just saying it because I was their child; that it was their job to console me and tell me that everything was not true. I just continued to believe because I thought I knew better and I thought I knew the truth.

Limitations

Once I was pulled out of elementary school, I missed it so much, that I wanted to go back. I missed the interaction with the other kids and I missed my friends. So, after being homeschooled for the rest of my 3rd grade and 4th-grade year, and after a very long talk with my parents, they decided it was okay for me go back to school to start and finish my 5th-grade year. Although, there was the possibility of being bullied again.

I was hyped up! I was so excited because I loved school, my teachers, and my friends! It was so good being back! I missed the field trips and playground. It was all good for about 8-9 months...

...Then, the bullying started again. Every. Single. Day. I could not believe it was happening again. One day, it would be rocks thrown in my face. Another day, it would be I couldn't get on the swing just because I was being me. If you combine that with preparation for transition to middle school AND puberty... That was the epitome of "I CANNOT EVEN" for my life at that time.

I thought to myself, "This.. again?! I thought I was making progress? Why do they hate me?"

After countless talks with the teachers and principals, my parents and I decided I had to leave my elementary school again... for good. My parents permanently homeschooled me from the rest of my 5th-grade year to my 12th-grade year. It seemed like nearly every year I was either thinking about going back, or, my parents asking me if I wanted to go back. After many talks, it was left alone and mutually decided that it was best for me to stay homeschooled. At that point, I was too insecure to go back anyway.

Pain

I cannot even explain how many times I cried; how many times I cried out to God asking "why?" and within the same breath saying, "just kill me."

I cannot tell you how many heartbreaks I suffered from the repeated words of others. Their words pierced my heart in the middle of the night when I was the most vulnerable.

I cannot tell you how much hate I spewed against myself from dark places. It was like I was a spectator from the outside looking in, cheering on the liars, being their own personal cheerleader.

I cannot tell you how much I contemplated suicide and believed that it would bring sweet revenge on those who hurt me the most.

I cannot tell you how much time I wasted during my teenage years, just existing. There was no in or out; no high or low; no highways or byways. There was nothing. Nothing at all.

And every day, this was my reality. I knew I couldn't keep living like this and that it all had to end. I just did not know how the story was going to go.

A Chance to Break Free

After going through deep depression, anxiety attacks, and insecurity, I knew there had to be an end.

My ending consisted of making a choice. At 21 years old, I knew that I had a choice to make in order to stop living this way. It was going to be either: I do not live at all or I live God's way.

Now, you are probably wondering where God was in all of this.

I will tell you... He was right there. I did not know it at the time, but every time I would think about leaving or killing myself, there was always a strong presence that would tell me to, "Hold on", "Don't do it", "Think of how it will affect your parents", "Your pain will end soon".

Hearing these things, I thought it was all in my head. To me, there was no reason for me to live at that point. What could I possibly offer? Obviously, God knew way more than I did and with His strong presence, He kept me here.

He loved me more than my hurt; He covered me more than darkness ever could. He met me right where I was.

It was in the Spring of 2012, when I was in so much pain. It felt like my body was extra weight and I felt like my soul was dead. The wear and tear of the pain had finally gotten the best of me and I did not care what happened. I started to confess over and over again: "I am going to die soon". Nobody paid attention. It seemed like Satan caused my pleas for salvation to fall on deaf ears.

I knew time was running out. I had a choice to make. I kept saying to myself, "I will wait until this time... Then, I will have time to dedicate to God."

I was so wrong. Next thing I knew, I was getting into close calls, almost having a fatal car accident every time I was on the road. Satan was after me heavy. It was not enough that I was just depressed and having anxiety attacks. He had to take me out before I made a choice.

But as I sit here and write to you, I praise God that in May 2012, I made a choice. With pain-filled tears flowing down my cheek as I was writing my suicide note, I made a choice to listen to God.

I made a choice to listen to that pure and heartfelt voice that said, "Try me. I can get you out. I promise you will never live in this pain nor see this darkness again. Just try me."

I made a choice that I had nothing to lose, so I was going to trust God with my whole heart that He was the only one that could get me out of this mess.

I made a choice to be free.

I have to fight every day

Every day since that particular day, every weight of every chain has been lifted off of me. Every day, I get to live in the freedom of Christ. But does that mean I exempt from those who still choose to call me names and hurt my feelings? Ha, never!

But, what it does mean is that I can use the tools God gave me, which is His word, to fight those things. It takes reading the Word every day, praying everyday, but also at the same time... Letting God be who He is in my life EVERYDAY.

Day by day, my self-esteem began to build. And every day, my insecurities began to leave me through the challenge of facing them and fighting them. I began to become powerful because I got myself out of the way and I let the Lord lead and guide me (Proverbs 16:9).

I am no longer powerless, but powerful.

Because of this, I was able to step in that dressing room and try on every bathing suit I could find. It was because of Him, I could walk around with it on, confidently. It did not matter who saw, or, if they said anything. I know who I am in Christ! I have been fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14)!

Every day, I get a chance to learn how to become better. I still have a lot of work to do and I am still insecure about a few things. But, I have faith that when I bring MY God to those insecurities, He will help me to overcome them.

I pray that this blesses you in a way that it will encourage you and help you to remain steady in your faith and hopeful! I love you guys very much as always.

God bless.

With Love,

T.