I may come off as confident, super bubbly, hyper, smiley, and just all around positive. I may always have a smile on my face and want to help others around me, but I do have my own set of issues or how I like to call them, the “mini chaos”. Mini chaos is what I call my insecurities, because they cause a lot of chaos in my life. I'm really insecure. I am insecure about my looks, my weight, my whole outer appearance in general, how people look at me, my intelligence, how awkward I am around boys and new people, being intimidated by everyone, feeling like I don’t have a purpose here, that I don’t belong here, who I am as a person, if I am a good friend, if I'm making my family proud, social ability, if I will ever be loved by that special someone, how to handle new situations, if people really like me, am I really ready to deal with the real world, can I really get through college, if I strong, can I really make it as a psychologist, can I really be a writer, is what I am doing with my life a waste of time, am I really helping you guys, and finally — should I have been born or am I really an empty space?
I don't like the way I look because I compare myself to everyone, thinking, "They are so much prettier than me. I'm like the ugly duckling in a world of beautiful swans." I get frustrated and sad because I keep thinking, "No one will ever love an ugly person like me".
It's hard to love yourself when you feel like a nothing. Now, everyone around me says otherwise — my family, my friends, other people — all say I'm beautiful and should be more confident in myself. But for me, it's easier to love other people than myself. I know that's bad because you should always love yourself before anyone, but it's difficult for me.
Self-worth and self-confidence have never been my strong suits.
Don’t ask me why I have these feelings about myself. I just do, and I know I shouldn’t. I should be more confident in who I am, but it’s a little hard for me. I feel like I am always down on myself even when there is no reason to be.
Everyone has this "mini chaos" in their lives, but it's sometimes hard to be confident when you do. I am working hard on conquering them. In some ways, I have, and in others, I haven’t. I haven't gotten there just yet, but I’m getting there.
I know I am insecure — very insecure — but that’s no reason for me to just let life go by and hide away. I am not doing that. That’s like giving up, and I am not a quitter. There is no 'quitter' in my name. I still face life, and I face it with a smile, even though I am literally filled with so much anxiety that I am about to just start crying and call it a day. But I refuse to let the mini chaos win. I will go out and face the day, and that's what I have been doing every day. Every day, it is getting a bit easier and less scary to handle the world.
I can do this, I do belong here, and I do matter. I am doing something with my life, and I am not wasted space. I am finally realizing my self-worth. I have a long list of insecurities, and if I can still have the power to get up and still do all that I am doing, then I know 100 percent that you guys can do it, too.
My 'mini chaos' does not and never will define me, and I refuse to let them make me feel like I have accomplished nothing. I have and so have all of you. Remember that when ever you feel like the mini chaos is ruining your day! YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR INSECURITIES!
