Alright everyone so this week, as promised, I'm going to be taking you all on a trip into my inner thoughts about the world. Now some of you may hate it but maybe you won't and I'll do more like this.
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To give you a little background of what to expect; this piece is going to be different than my previous pieces, it will be more of a monologue. As you might suspect from the title, I will be speaking pretty harshly about insects so if you're an entomologist I would recommend avoiding this piece and reading my Africa article; it's more nature friendly.
So without further ado i'd like to introduce you all to my deep hatred regarding the bugs of the world:
Insects are awful. I’m just gonna say it, they are simply just irritating creatures whose life goal is to ruin every outdoor activity possible.
Now, I know what you're gonna say “Oh but Mr. Writer, they help the environment and keep everything balanced in the food chain”. Well first of all that’s Mr. Doctor Professor Writer to you, but, let me address your point. I am obliged to agree because science exists, but not all bugs are needed. I’m talking about flies and bees; the little swines whose sole purpose for living seems to be to ruin every camping trip and summer barbecue possible. I know you bug lovers out there are going to say that there are bug repellants at all local CVS’s. Well to that point, first of all, I’m more of Walgreens guy and second, I would love to use bug spray if it actually worked.
Sure in theory bug spray sounds like the best invention since sliced bread but what differentiates bug spray from the revolutionary design of cutting a loaf of bread and placing it into a plastic bag, is that when you go to the store to buy the bread it’s actually sliced like it says on the packaging. When you buy bug repellant you are expecting it to do as it says: repel bugs. The problem is, as anyone who has ever tried it can attest to, it does the exact opposite of it’s claims. The sprays claim that the scent is supposed to be a repellent of insects, when in reality it attracts them more than Lori Greiner to every crying entrepreneur on “Shark Tank”. Alright, alright, i’ll take it down a notch. My problem isn’t with all bugs in the world, i’ll admit some are okay.
Now I’m not saying their the invite them over to your home for a thanksgiving dinner, their more the type you see walking down the street and give a small wave to because your parents are friends.
These mere acquaintance insects i’m speaking of are Bumblebee’s and Ladybugs. Bumblebee’s are fine because they don’t have poisonous daggers that could strike at any moment.
Ladybugs are alright, I guess, mostly because it seems that the rest of the world loves them even though they do the equivalent for society that Kathie Lee and Hoda do on the NBC Today Morning Show.
Sure they're fun to watch but honestly what are they contributing to the world? Alcoholism at 8 in the morning? Yea that’s great for America’s youth.
Okay, now I do understand I just compared a serious condition that destroys people's lives to a quarter of an inch sized, red and black spotted docile insect, but I wouldn’t be writing this if I cared about being politically correct. In my opinion if you're easily angered by satirical and dark humor you don’t deserve to laugh at all. So yes if you’re reading this essay and are becoming angry with it’s subject matter, I am formally revoking you of your right to laugh because you obviously have trouble receiving any joy in life. I’m getting sidetracked here I know, so what were we talking about again? Oh yeah bugs and which one’s need to go like a clearance sale at Bed Bath & Beyond (seriously their coupons are the greatest).
In my opinion all wasps, hornets, actually pretty much every breed of bee besides the most bumbling of them all need to go.
Now if you just read that sentence and are wanting to critique me by saying that there isn’t really such a thing as a breed of bee’s, my response to you would be that you must get invited to a lot of parties.
Alright, so now that i’ve gotten rid of all the uncultured swine readers I can finally preach to my true loyal fans (So Mom please don’t forget to pick up Lucky Charms at the supermarket, thanks).
In all seriousness the last insect species that needs to go are mosquitos.
Please don’t try to preach to me about some reason that they are needed for the environment or our ecosystem stuff because I promise we have plenty of other insects that will fill their place as annoying pieces of garbage.
So yeah, in closing, like wall street executives, not all bugs are bad but most are complete parasites. (Seriously watch the Big Short, it will blow your mind)
That's how I feel about insects guys, I'm sure the article surprised many of you. I am not entirely sure what next week will actually be about because I will be moving into my new home for the next four years, George Washington University, and I haven't planned for what I want to write about yet. So for now I unfortunately have no witty puns to give you any teasers to the next article.
See You Next Week,
Austen "Insect Enthusiast" Schweber
